Just Too Late
by RockTheWorld
Summary: FINISHED! At last! Final 3 chappies now up! Slash story full of drama and occasional fluff. KC.
1. blah blah blah

This is my first Dead Poets Society fan fiction, so I would really love some reviews. I really love this movie, so I've actually always been kind of scared to risk ruining it with a fan fiction, but I realized that I couldn't' understand it any longer. As of right now, its rated PG-13 for some sexual and violent material, but it could be leaning towards an R rating, so be warned. Just so you know I obviously don't have any claim to any of the characters or any other part of the movie, even though, if I had it my way, I'd own both Knox and Charlie and be able to do whatever I wanted with them. But sadly, I don't. As I said, I would love you to death if you reviewed, and I give my word that if you review mine, I'll review yours. And flames will be stored in a separate file on my computer and taken out and laughed at repeatedly and most likely shared with all of my friends so that they can laugh as well. Please don't be offended by any material in the story, this is just how it would be if I had my way (which I don't). Please, if you see anything I can make better, let me know- I can't read your mind and I LIVE off criticism (as long as it's constructive, of course). Well, I'm rambling, so with that I leave you the first chapter of my first ever DPS fan fic. Enjoy (hopefully)!


	2. Ch 1 Lonely Nights

"_What will your contribution be?"_

Charlie Dalton woke with a start. He shoved the covers off of himself, breathing deeply. He was drenched in a cold sweat, and felt like screaming. Once again he had awoken to Mr. Keating voice and the image of Neil's lifeless body. He set his feet down on the cold, hard floor. He walked quickly to the window and cracked it slightly. He looked out over the cold, snowy grounds of Hell-ton Academy and tried to regain his composure. For the third night that week Charlie had awaken in a cold sweat, looking around and just expecting to see Neil standing above his bed, calling him to another Dead Poets Society meeting. But Neil was never there. And each time that Charlie awoke he was thrust back in to the pain he felt the first night Mr. Noland had told them that Neil had shot himself in his fathers study. Charlie had only been back at Hell-ton a week, and already he wished that he had remained expelled. But his father didn't even dream of allowing him to stay home. As soon as Charlie arrived home, he had written Welton, insisting that his son had merely been under extreme stress due to the death of his best friend, and that he deserved to be reinstated. Along with a rather large donation to the school library and a written agreement to stay out of trouble, Charlie was back on the train to school within the month. And now, being back at school, walking the same halls and sitting in the same classes and especially the reinstating of the Dead Poets Society had brought back memories that were so painful that it was often hard to breathe. They had started up the meetings again three days after he had been back, but it wasn't the same. The joking manner was gone, and since Cameron had left for a different school and Keating was no longer there as their role model, there was talk of disbanding the Society all together. It didn't help the pain any that each morning Neil was mentioned in the prayers, and that all of the teachers spoke about him about him as a Hellton god. But it did help to be in the company of Todd and Knox and even Pitts and Meeks sometimes, even though they didn't hang out with the group as much.

Neil's death seemed to have a perverse affect on the guys. Instead of drawing them together, as it should have done, each boy felt estranged, different, responsible, and above all ashamed that they hadn't been able to save Neil or see it coming. With the exception of Charlie who was not given the opportunity, each of them felt equally responsible for robbing Hell-ton of one of their best teachers ever. And, out of all of them, Charlie felt the most alone, except, perhaps, for Todd. Charlie had always been the closest to Neil, just as Meeks and Pitts had been. Knox fit in with everyone, and Cameron didn't fit in at all, as far as Charlie was concerned.

That night, as Charlie let his breath fog up the glass, he realized that it had been three months exactly since Neil had shot himself. Glancing at the clock on his bedside table, Charlie realized that it was 3:30 and that he needed to get back to sleep; he was leading prayers tomorrow and he needed to be at least semi-comatose. And so he slipped his feet back below the covers and pulled the homemade quilt up to his chin. As he felt himself drift off in to what was sure to be yet another nightmare, he felt a single tear roll down his cheek. He didn't even have the strength to wipe it off and it lay there like a silent reminder of all the pain that had passed and all the rest that was sure to lie ahead.

Across the hall and two doors down, Knox signed and sealed the letter he had been writing to Chris. As soon as her parents had gotten word of the two of them attending the play together, of what had happened that night at Chet's party, and then of Neil Perry's suicide, they had sent her to a girl's preparatory school on the other side of Maine, almost 300 miles away. The ad promised to write to each other and had so far kept that promise. Realizing what time it was, Knox shut off the light, and careful not to wake Todd, crossed to his dresser and slid the letter in to the top drawer, intending to mail it in the morning. As his hands pushed the top drawer closed, he turned on his heel and then began to hesitate. He felt the urge inside him, like he always did when he was up late and had a bad day. And, these days, every day was a bad day it seemed. Making up his mind, Knox turned again, leaning down and slowly sliding open the bottom drawer. He only opened it half way, knowing that if he opened it anymore it would squeak and wake up Todd. Carefully, he slid out his extra notebooks, his copy of the Bible, and a picture of him and Chris that he wasn't allowed to display, and finally reached the object that he had reached for so many times before.

He sat on his bed and slipped off his slacks and shirt, laying them carefully over the back of his chair. Leaning back in bed, clad only in his boxer shorts, he opened the pages of last years annual, flipping through the tattered pages to one that had been dog-eared repeatedly over the last year and a half. He stared at the picture and smile, slipping his hand below the waist band of his shorts and feeling himself grow excited as he concentrated on the task at hand. The picture was one that he himself had taken, back when he used to be a photo editor for the annual. But he had given that up. This picture had been one of his best. The picture was taken right after Welton won the state crewing championship. The picture featured Charlie Dalton, captain of the team, holding the trophy and smiling madly. His shirt was off and his chest glistened with sweat. His firm, buff abs and chest stood out against his lean waist, and his arms looked toned and firm from years of crewing. His hair was blowing in the wind, and he looked truly happy. As Knox continued to stare at the picture, his mind began to drift from that to all of the showers the boys had taken over the years...to all the Knox had seen...and suddenly Knox wasn't able to take it anymore. He let himself go, and as he came, he sighed deeply and gently set leaned his head against the wall. He was exhausted, as he usually was when things like this took place. And, as usual, he was saddened, knowing that his true fantasies would never come true. And perhaps the worst feeling of all, Knox felt confused. He knew that he liked Chris. In fact, he knew that he loved her. He loved being with her, loved kissing her and making her laugh. And he missed her. But there were times, especially since Neil had killed himself, when he found himself wanting more than anything to just reach out and stroke Charlie's tear-stained cheek, or to just hug him and kiss his forehead and let him know that it would all be ok. He had felt inklings of those feelings before- times when they had been sitting close in the cave and he had wanted to reach out and put his arm around him or when he had wanted to kill all of the girls that Charlie had brought to the cave or talked about from home. What was he supposed to do? Guys had been kicked out of Hell-ton for things like this before, and talk still followed those poor boys. There were still whispers about them in the halls, people still continued to make snide remarks on bathroom walls. Things like this, if found out about, could be the end of your life, for him in more ways than one. And so he dog-eared the page, carefully put everything back in his bottom drawer and, climbing in to bed, drifted off in to a fitful, dreamless sleep full of shirtless Charlie's, laughing Neil's, and whispers that seemed to flow in to every corner of his brain.

Todd Anderson rolled over carefully and shut his eyes. He knew that Knox thought he was asleep. But he didn't sleep now, and so Todd had seen the whole thing, and not for the first time. He didn't care. Knox had his own life and his own feelings, and whatever he did, Todd didn't deserve a say. And he wasn't a nark like Cameron.

Todd looked at the sterile whiteness of his wall, tracing the shadows the moon made through the curtains. Those days, he would have given anything to be bale to sleep like he used to. But, ever since he had found out that he had been asleep when Neil had killed himself, every time he closed his eyes sleep didn't come. It was starting to get to him in more ways than one. Todd's guilt was growing. He knew, deep in the pit of his stomach that if he had been awake that night, if he had only followed Neil or objected more to Mr. Perry, that Neil would be awake and lying in the bed across the room from him. But he wasn't, and Todd couldn't help but blame himself, as much as he told himself that, not only was he not responsible, but that everyone else probably felt the same thing. But it didn't' help. And the longer he stayed awake, the less he slept, the more he envied Neil. The more he wondered about what it would feel like to have a bullet tear through his skin and become lodged in his heart, to feel himself slowly bleed to death. He wondered what was going through Neil's head, whether he had even been a passing thought or if, like most of his life, he had been written off and forgotten completely. Todd drew his arms from under the covers and stared at the faded scars on his upper arms that led to the deep, new cuts toward his wrist. No one knew about his habit, no one asked, and no one suspected that a boy from such a regal family, a boy who had such a good reputation, would ever have a secret like this.

Todd rolled over again, whispering across the room, hoping that Knox hadn't fallen asleep all ready. He wanted to ask who the picture was of, and why he felt so attracted to whoever was in the picture. But, to be honest, all Todd really wanted was to talk- to someone, anyone, about anything. But when he had called Knox's name three times and gotten no answer, Todd faced his wall again, sobbing silently and thinking, not for the first time recently, how he and Neil should have traded places, about how much everyone loved Neil. About how much no one would even care if he was gone.


	3. Ch 2 Just a Dream

The next morning dawned bright and cold, the sun setting a starling glare off of the snow that surrounded the school. Charlie rolled over lazily and opened his eyes slightly, glancing at the clock. 10:30. 10:30! He had slept through all of the morning services, something that spelled certain disaster. He jumped out of bed and cursed himself for forgetting to set his alarm. How come no one had woken him up? As part of his reinstatement, he had been instructed to read the opening scripture at each service on Sunday mornings until the day he graduated and left Hell-ton Academy for good. But he had slept in, missing the services entirely. Quick as a flash, he jumped towards his closet and pulled down a white, button down oxford shirt and a pair of black slacks. As he threw a black belt around his waist, slipped his feet in to his black dress shoes and ran his fingers through his shaggy hair, trying his hardest to get it to lie flat, he went over the dream he had been having before waking.

In his dream Charlie and Neil had been out together crewing, as they had so many other times at Hell-ton, and at this particular time, the sun was just setting on the lake, turning it the most brilliant shades of red, amber, and deep purple that one could ever hope to see. The rowed silently, making eye contact to make sure that they were keeping the rhythm. Suddenly, Neil stopped rowing and dived in to the water. Charlie looked at him, confused but amused.

"Come on in! The waters fine!"

"Neil, you crazy son of a bitch! What do you think you're doing?"

"Carpe Diem, Charlie! Carpe Diem!"

Charlie realized that Neil was right, so he too stood in the boat and, ripping off his shirt and sounding his version of a barbaric yawp, jumped head first in to the water. When he came up for air, Neil was treading water right beside him, laughing his sweet, kooky laugh.

"Talk about seizing the day, eh Charlie?"

"Damn it Neil, how many times do I have to tell you, " Charlie put his hands on Neil's shoulders and pushed him underneath the water, holding him down and laughing as his friend flailed about. After a few seconds, he let his friend up and laughed as he sputtered and gasped for air, "its Nuwanda!"

Charlie continued to laugh has his friend continued to cough. Eventually, Charlie realized that Neil was having real trouble breathing and he began to worry.

"Hey Neil, you ok? Hey man, I was just screwing around, you know. Are you alright?"

Neil stopped coughing and smiled at Charlie.

"Got you, Nuwanda!"

Charlie realized what was going on and his face, full or mirth and joy, immediately become sullen and stony.

"Neil, don't you fucking ever do that to me again, you asshole. Do you realize how scared I was?"

And with that Charlie swam back to the boat, pulling himself up and shaking his head, making his hair fan out in all sorts of directions. Neil swam towards the boat slowly, pulling himself up as Charlie turned his back.

"Hey Charlie, man, I was just fucking around like you were, you know?"

"Yeah, well your joke wasn't really all that funny, was it asshole? You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were choking to death or something."

"Well, I wasn't. And I'm fine. Hey, talk to me buddy. Char- Charlie, look at me."

Slowly Charlie turned and faced Neil, a single tears rolling down his cheek, his neck red with anger and frustration. Neil scooted towards him, leaning forward and putting his hand on Charlie's shoulder, leaning forward until their foreheads touched.

"Charlie man, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd get as upset as you did. I'm sorry. I was just fucking with you, just pulling a stupid joke. I realize that it wasn't funny and I'm sorry for making you worry. But you've got to know that I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never do anything purposely to hurt you. You're my best friend. You know that."

Charlie looked up in to Neil's eyes and smiled slowly, nodding his head and whispering, "I know." As Charlie continued to stare in to Neil's eyes, he felt Neil's hand slide slowly from his shoulder to the back of his neck and the next thing he knew, he was being pulled slowly towards Neil's face, and it took only a few seconds before Charlie felt Neil's warm breath on his neck. Neil whispered softly, each word letting another small burst of warm air hit Charlie's cold neck,

"Charlie, you know I love you like a brother. I always have. But there's something else there too..."

Charlie nodded and turned his head slightly, taking his hand and gently tilting Neil's face towards his, waiting anxiously for that precious second when his lips touched Neil's. As soon as their lips touched, Charlie felt his body melt. Neil's lips were soft and tender, and as he slipped his tongue slowly in to Neil's mouth, he caught the distinct taste of toothpaste and pipe tobacco. Charlie leaned forward, running his had gingerly around Neil's neck and began to play wit the dark brown hairs at the base of Neil's neck. As Charlie pulled away to tell Neil that he had always felt the same way, he was shocked at the face that lay before him.

Neil was gone and in his place sat Knox. Knox stared back at Charlie and smiled gingerly. The wind played with Knox's hair, tossing it back and forth over his head. His eyes twinkled with a passion that Charlie had ever seen. Before Charlie could stop himself, he felt himself leaning in again, and just as their lips touched for a second time, Charlie had awoken.

Charlie ran over the dream in his head countless times, trying to figure out what it meant. He had been kissing both of his best friends and had definitely enjoyed it, judging by the size of the stain on his sheets. But what did it mean? Charlie definitely didn't feel like actually kissing Knox. Charlie loved women! He loved them, loved getting laid by them, and loved everything about them. Charlie was definitely a ladies man. But then why did he have the dream? I mean, sure, he loved Knox like a brother, just like he had loved Neil in the same way. But to actually kiss him? To actually feel Knox's mouth against his own- it was almost sickening. Almost. But he had dreamed it. Dreamed it...yes that was all! It was just a dream! Just a silly dream and it didn't mean anything! But Charlie couldn't help but feel that, as he walked down the stares in to the dining hall, just catching the end of breakfast, that everyone knew what he had been dreaming. He felt the stares upon him and tried his hardest to keep his cheeks from turning red. He sat down next to Todd, not looking at Knox for fear that his dream would be written clearly across his face and Knox would know.

"Hey, Charlie. Where were you this morning?"

"Slept in. Shouldn't have, though. I'm in for it now. I was supposed to read the opening scripture. Noland's gonna have my ass for missing it. But whatever."

"Hey, Charlie," Knox said, staring at Charlie as though trying to read his mind, "are you ok? You look kind of sick."

"What? Oh, no, I'm fine. It was a hard night. I mean, you know..."

Charlie didn't have to finish his sentence. All the boys knew. They knew what it was like to have hard nights, long night, to not be able to sleep or not wanting too for fear of nightmares. But none of them, as far as Charlie knew, had ever had a wet dream about two of their best friends.

Suddenly, Pitts and Meeks walked by their table, stopping for a chat and it was decided on that the Dead Poets Society would convene that night at about midnight. As all of the boys nodded agreement, Pitts and Meeks walked away, and then Knox stood up, claiming that he had a letter to mail to Chris and Todd said he had some poetry he wanted to write for that nights meeting, and so each of the boys went their separate ways.

Suddenly it dawned on Charlie, as he was walking back to his dorm to make his bed that he had forgotten about Chris completely. Of course he wouldn't ever kiss Knox in real life- Knox was head over heels in love with Chris! That cemented in his mind that it had only been a dream, and so Charlie was free to concentrate on the other part of his dream that bothered him. What Neil had said...about loving him like a brother and about never wanting to hurt him intentionally. Charlie had heard Neil tell him that a hundred thousand times, after a long study night or when one of their pranks went wrong. But Neil was such a fucking liar when it came to that, because he had hurt him. He had hurt him deep to the bone. When Neil pulled that trigger, it wasn't just his life he was ending. And Neil knew what Charlie's past with suicide was. No one knew but Neil, and it had been hell to tell even him. And then, out of the blue, came an intense hatred for Neil. He had lied, had hurt Charlie in a way that no person except for, perhaps Charlie's father, had ever hurt him. And so Charlie made his bed with such vigor that, more than once, Charlie ended up turning over the whole mattress.

Just as Charlie was finishing his laundry and putting it away like he always did on Sunday nights, he ran across a box in the bottom of his closet. He had forgotten that he had put it there. He opened it slowly, knowing what was inside it. He slowly pulled out each and every note that he and Neil had ever written each other over the years, ever since they had been friends back in the 1st grade. Charlie read each of them again before selecting one, folding it carefully and placing it in his pocket. He was going to read it that night at the Society meeting. And damn it, the boys were going to finally understand what was going on in the head of Charles Langston Dalton.


	4. Ch 3 Cold Nights and Colder Hearts

The midnight sky was pitch black as the boys made their way slowly through the partly melted snow, feeling drawn to the cave as they had on so many other nights. Charlie reached his hand deep in to his overcoat pockets, feeling the sharp edges of the letter he found there. Knox rubbed his hands together anxiously, not sure if they should be going back to the cave without Neil. Meeks and Pitts walked slightly behind the other three, conversing in hushed tones. Todd was setting the pace, walking quickly, and his breath jutting out in front of his face in short puffs that hang for a moment in the air before evaporating.

As the four approached the cave, each of them said their own sort of blessing and apology to Neil for what had happened. They entered the cave one at a time, seeing in exactly the way they had left it after the last meeting- Charlie's saxophone still sat in the corner and the God of the Cave remained on the stone in the middle of the cave. But to each boy, the cave looked different in its own way. To Charlie, the cave was almost comforting- it was his connection to the happier times of the past. To Knox it was frightening- a ghostly reminder of how reckless they had once been. To Meeks and Pitts the cave represented a part of them that, for a while and burned hot with the flame of passion and now was slowly burning out, the embers of passion growing cold. And to Todd the cave was just a sad place that had once been happy and may never be the same again. As each of the boys took their traditional place around the fire, Todd began to light the fire silently- that had become his hob because he was the only one who knew how and because he refused to read out loud. When he was finished, Charlie rose and took One Hundred Year of Verse off of its rock and opened the book to the poem by Henry David Thoreau, the one that was read at the beginning of every Society meeting. This had been Neil's job- to read the poem and commence the meeting, but today Charlie had decided to step up and take over. Before he read the poem, he looked around the cave at all of these boys, once so carefree and joyful, who now had so much sadness and shame in their eyes. And he knew that his eyes looked just like theirs did. He lowered his head, looking at the book and slowly whispered, "In memory of Neil.....I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. TO live deep and suck all the marrow out of life- to put to rout all that was not life and not, when I came to die, discovered that I had not lived....amen. I now call this meeting of the Dead Poets Society to order." Charlie closed the book slowly and the small bang of finality it made sent shivers up the spines of five young, frightened boys.

Todd Anderson stood up, slowly unfolding the small, yellowed piece pf notebook paper and clearing his throat. This was the first time he had ever read out loud for the Society. He rubbed his hands against the rough fabric of his pants nervously, praying silently for the strength to read what he was about to read. He took a deep breath and then began to read, his voice timid and unsure.

"In Flanders Field  
Where Poppies grow  
Among the crosses

Row upon row  
is how the poem was written  
But today my friends, you know,

That not everyone is marked  
In Flanders Field

The one we love  
And miss so dear  
Remains unmarked yet worshipped still  
No longer does he laugh  
And speak in lyric verse  
Now lies he dead  
And buried  
Taking with him joy and mirth.

The one we speak of  
Speaks no more  
No more words of comfort  
His spirit long since gone  
And yet we still remember  
All that he once shared  
And so we keep our heads up high  
In memory of him  
Hoping that one day we shall  
In Heaven meet again."

Todd sat down, shaking slightly as two tears rolled gingerly down his cheeks. He couldn't bring himself to look at the other boys, though if he had he would have seen mirror images of himself. Slowly, after a few minutes of respectful silence, Knox began to clap, and was soon joined by each of the other boys as they clapped and congratulated Todd on such an awesome poem. Todd nodded slightly, accepting their praise. Soon Todd wiped his nose and looked around the cave. "Alright guys, who's next?"

The boys looked around and Charlie stood up slowly. "I'll go." He walked to the center of the cave and stood next to the fire. "I'm afraid that mine's not exactly in the same league that Todd's was. Mine's a little different." Charlie pulled the letter out of his pocket and had just finished his throat when a noise from the woods startled them. The boys all stared at the cave entrance as a boy with familiar pale skin and red hair burst through the opening. Charlie started. "CAMERON?! What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you had left for Brighton Prep already you little asshole."

"I had. But I saw something that I had to tell you guys before I left for good."

"Well we don't want to hear it you little fucker."

"Well that's too damn bad, isn't it Nuwanda."

"Get out of here. NOW! We don't want you here. You ratted out Keating, you fucked over the entire group...you're a bunch of dog shit to us, Cameron. Whatever it is you have to say, we don't want to hear it!"

"Ok, fine. If that's how you feel than fine. If you don't care that Keating's dead too, then why the hell should I? I never liked him anyway."

The boys just stared at Cameron, all of them having heard and now just trying to comprehend what Cameron had just told them. Knox was the first one to speak.

"Cameron, what are you talking about? What do you mean Keating's dead? Is this some kind of sick prank or something?"

"No it's not a sick prank! What kind of asshole do you think I am? Ok...ok fine. Don't' answer that. But no, I'm not joking. Here, see for yourself. I'm just surprised that you guys didn't know already."

Cameron held out a newspaper that was turned to the death and birth announcements. Circled in red pen was a small blurb that head the headline:

**Local School Teacher killed in Robbery**

Knox took the paper and began to read the article out loud.

_This week in Doring, Massachusetts, local school teacher Jonathon Keating, 34, was killed in the robbery of a local store. Reports from the police and from those present state that Keating was standing in line to pay for his purchases when another resident of the town in front of him held a small revolver to the cashiers head and demanded that the cashier empty the drawer. Keating then apparently tried to calm the man down, trying to convince him to put the gun down. Eventually, so it seems that the robber became so frustrated with Mr. Keating that he shot him in the stomach. Mr. Keating was rushed to St. James Hospital, where he was immediately put into intensive care. The doctors did all they could but Jonathon Keating passed away at 2:13 am on Sunday, January 14th, 1954. The funeral is scheduled to take place on Friday, January 20th. His mother and father ask that, ileum of lowers, that you send any and all possible donations to the Wellton Academy for boys, where Mr. Keating was an English teacher. _

Knox dropped the paper and leaned his head back against the wall of the cave. Todd, beside him, picked up the paper and crumpled it into a ball. Charlie, across from them, put his head down and began to sob. Meeks and Pitts just clung to one another for support, silently weeping. Cameron stood at the entrance to the cave, leaning against the wall. Softly, so softly it was below a whisper, Charlie said something.

"Cameron, I want you to get the fuck out."

Cameron nodded silently and left the cave. That was the last time the boys ever saw Cameron. Charlie stood up and cursed to the other side of the cave, taking the crumpled newspaper from Todd's hands. He unfolded it and looked at the article, reading it over again to himself. As he reached the end, he sobbed harder and then began to violently tear to paper to shreds, throwing the pieces about him wildly. He sank to the floor of the cave and beat his fists upon the ground, shouting almost incoherently.

"NO! IT'S NOT FUCKING TRUE!!! IT CAN'T BE!!! NO! ITS NOT TRUE...ITS NOT! IT CAN'T BE! MR. KEATING WOULDN'T DO THAT TO US. NO...No...no.....," Charlie stopped yelling and sobbed silently. After time, Charlie felt a hand on his shoulders, and another hand slip around his waist as Knox, Todd, Meeks and Pitts all collapsed around him, hugging him as they sobbed as well. And that is how the boys remained until the faint, pink rays of sunlight peeked over the hills that surrounded Wellton academy. The day promised to dawn bright, clear, and sunny. But to the members of the Dead Poets Society it seemed that no day would ever dawn with light again.


	5. Ch 4 Carpe Diem Isn't Over Yet

The following weeks at Wellton Academy were even more dismal than the precedent. Whatever hope had been left to the remaining members of the Society had disappeared when Mr. Keating had decided to brave and had lost his life because of it.

Hell-ton had not yet found a replacement teacher for their senior english class, and didn't seem to be looking. All of the administration seemed prefectly fine with having the Dean teach the class. But outside influences, especially one Ms. Monique Keating, felt differently. And one cold Sunday morning, about two weeks after the funeral for Mr. Keting, which none of the boys had been permitted to attend, Monique decided to let Hell-ton Academy know exactly how she felt.

She pulled the heavy oak doors open and strolled confidently down the center isle, feeling the stares of hundreds of young men on her as she bodly interrupted their morning services. Charlie Datlon, standing in the wings, waiting to read that mornings scripture, caught the eyes of Todd Anderson and Todd smiled. Three rows away, Meeks and Pitts nodded and smiled as well. Charlie scanned the rest of the curious faces and found that the only one not smiling was Knox. But then again, Knox had Chris.

Monique was used to creating quite a stir wherever she went. She had been beautiful since a young age but took much more pride in her wit and her intelligence. Because of this pride in knowledge, she had always ignored her outer beauty, something that her mother considered to be a ghastly mistake. Monique was only 31, but seemed so much younger due to her rosy, clear comlexion, healthy auburn hair that fell in waves to half way down her back, and her sparkling green eyes that could switch from jovial to passionate in split seconds. Monique was the daughter of a born and bred New Yorker, a woman who had grown up drinking latees and spending all of her fathers money on fashion trends. Moniques father was an English literature professor who taught at the New York University offices in Paris. Monique had spent her years split almost equally between New york and Paris and had come to love both as home. Monique only had one brother, who had left home as soon as he graduated college and gotten the first job that was offered to him- a teaching job at his old school. When John had come home and told everyeone that he would be working at Wellton Prepatory Academy, the whole family was overjoyed- until John's letters home became more and more troubled as he spoke of the situations with his students. He had loved his students, but so much had happened not only to them but the John as well. When Wellton Academy had fired him and he died shortly after, Monique made it her personal resolution to continue her brothers goal to make sure that the boys of Hell-ton could think for themselves. And thats why, sitting in the front pew of the schools chapel, Moniques fixed her eyes concretely on the dean and did not move until the service was over.

"Did you see her? She's gorgeous!"

"Whats she doing here?"

"I don't know, but who cares! Shes a goddess."

"Chill Nuwanda. She's an adult."

"Knox, thats not just and adult. Thats a WOMAN."

"'Yeah yeah yeah. Well, what would a woman like that want with a BOY like you?"

"Ha ha ha. What a funny guy. you should really write your material down, fuck face."

Todd blocked out the voices of the other guys as he focused his gaze on the woman who had invaded Wellton Academy with such bravado. He had never seen a woman who looked like she did before. Monique was the most beautiful girl Todd had ever seen. The way she carried herself, the way she laughed lightly at everything Dean Bolander said, the way that her hair fell lightly over her right shoulder and rested gingerly on her breast. Todd was enamored. But he also knew that she would never notice him. Todd was not the kind of guy who got noticed by woman of any kind- even his mother barely acknowledged his presence. Which is why Todd started with surprise to see his goddess turn and walk down the isle straight to where Todd stood with all of the other boys. Her eyes met and held his with a gaze he would come to realize that Monique was walking for the reason of reaching her destination, and for that reason only. Todd turned back to the other boys and tried to pick up on the conversation but was utterly lost. Suddenly, he felt Moniques presence behind him and then the light weight of her hand on his shoulder. she leaned in to the group of boys and began whispering.

"This must be the newest class of the Dead Poets Society. Lets see...Charlie, excuse me, Nuwanda, Meeks, Pitts, Knox and...Todd," she pointed to each of the boys in turn and each ones eyes widened with surprise at her knowledge, "my brother described you almost perfectly. I know you must miss him terribly. I know how you feel. But never fear, boys. I may not be the Captain but the days of Carpe Diem at Hell-ton aren't quite over yet. I'll see you in class."

With that she nodded and smiled slyly before turning and walking up the isle quickly. Each of the boys looked around the circle and Charlie was the first one to speak.

"THAT was Keatings sister? Man, Keating was holding out on us."

"What do you think she meant that the days of Carpe Diem weren't quite over? You don't think she's gonna be a hellraiser like Keating was, do you?"

"I don't know Knoxious. I really don't. But I'll tell you one thing- if shes not, shes not gonna be nearly as much fun."

The boys all laughed and turned, heading up the isle, hoping to get to the dining hall for breakfast before the rest of the mob scene. Todd tried to pay attention to his breakfast but found himself day dreaming again. He found himself fantasizing about what kind of joys English class would hold now, what new adventures this woman would bring with her, and how he was supposed to get through it all without Neil.


	6. Ch 5 I'll Remember You

The next three weeks passed in a flurry of rushed whispers, secret glances, and late night talks for the Dead Poets Society. Monique didn't take any time in setting up right where her brother had left off, but Monique's, as hard as she tried, was still no John Keating. She lacked the one quality that spoke so highly of John- she was impatient. She rushed through her classes, thinking that by rushing she was getting the chance to cram more beauty in to the heads of her students. What she didn't quite understand was that, in order to appreciate all the beauty she was trying to get across to them, they needed time to appreciate it. But she didn't give them that. And so, unfortunately, a very small portion of what she was trying to get across was actually absorbed. But the students still loved her, despite this fault, and she began to grow on each student in a different way.

Each day, Monique grew more and more beautiful to Todd. He began to live for her smile, for the sidelong glance she would give him as she walked up and down the rows of students. He began staying later and later after class, insisting that he needed help, but insisting that the help he needed could only be administered from Monique. But, as much as he thought she was beautiful, and as much as he admired her skill as a teacher, sadness remained in his heart. He knew that his love wasn't going anywhere. He knew that she was a teacher, him a student, two people that would never come in to contact the way he wanted them to. Which is why, after two weeks of class with Monique, Todd became the same sullen boy he had always been. His thoughts got to him, as they always did in the end. He had broken out of his shell for a brief period of time- something he had done only once before when Neil was alive. The memory of the last time wsa still as clear as the moment it happened.

_"Today's my birthday."_

_"Oh really? Well, happy birthday!"_

_"Yeah thanks. My parents sent me a desk set."_

_"Wait, this looks a lot like-"_

_"Yeah. Its the same one they bought me last year. But you know , the funny thing about this is, I didn't even like it the first time."_

_He giggled nervously as he watched his best friend pickup the desk set and turn it over gingerly in his hands, as if handling a precious jewel. He watched as a slow smile crossed his friends face._

_"You know, I think you're underestimating the value of this desk set. Its really nice. If I were to buy a desk set- twice- it'd be this one! Actually, if you look at it, its rather aerodynamic, isn't it. Todd, I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly..."_

_He looked up at his best friend, a look of confusion in his eyes. Slowly, comprehension dawned and he jumped to his feet, grabbing the desk set out of his friends waiting hands. _

_"May I present the first unmanned flying desk set."_

_He chucked his birthday present off the top of the roof, laughing crazily like he hadn't done in years. He hugged is best friend and continued laughing until the tears poured from his eyes. _

__

Todd looked up from his daydream in surprise. He met two large green eyes staring back at him.

"So glad you could join us, Mr. Anderson. Now that you're back, care to take a stab at answering the question?"

"Uh...what was the question?"

The class giggled nervously and a small smile crossed the full, rosy lips of Monique.

"Well, Todd, the class was just discussing some of our favorite lines of poetry. Care to input your favorite poem or portion of poetry?"

"Oh yeah, no problem," Todd cleared his throat and looked out the window, focusing on the woods outside the classroom, "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not, when I came to die, discovered that I had not lived. Will that do it, Ms. Keating?"

"Yes yes, that's fine. Something interesting, class. If you notice, Mr. Dalton, Mr. Overstreet, Mr. Pitts, Mr. Meeks, and Mr. Anderson all chose the same piece of poetry that is in fact not poetry at all. The passage they quoted comes from Henry David Thoreau's Walden, a fabulous book. This brings us to another discussion point- what makes poetry, poetry? Can a book passage indeed be poetry?"

The rest of the class passed without incident and Todd was careful to control his daydreaming and pay attention in class. He couldn't help but dwell on the look of Monique's eyes so close to his, the way her lips looked when she smiled, the way her hair fell, cascading over her shoulders and down her back. The bell rang and Todd stood slowly, wanting to linger more. But he knew that he had a lot of homework to do, and that his hanging around wouldn't accomplish anything. He had one foot out the door when he heard her sweet, angelic voice call his name.

"Mr. Anderson, can I see you for a minute?"

Todd spun on his heel and walked silently up to her desk, where she was sitting, still smiling.

"Don't look so scared, Todd. This isn't a death sentence. I just want to talk to you about what happened in class today. Todd, you're not the kind of guy who doesn't pay attention. Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, Ms. Keating. Everything's fine. I'm sorry about what happened in class today. I guess I'm just really tired. I'm still not sleeping well, and I haven't' been since, well...since everything happened."

"You mean with Neil?"

"Yeah, Ms. Keating. Since everything happened with Neil. But I'll be ok. I'll pay attention in class from now on. I promise."

"I believe you Todd. But I do want to talk to you more about everything. I think that you have a lot of things going on inside you right now, Todd, things that shouldn't be bottled up. I'd really like to talk to you. Can you stop by my room tomorrow night at around nine?"

"I can try, Ms. Keating, but you know how strict they've gotten about the curfew now. Students aren't supposed to be out past nine."

"Don't you worry about that, Todd. I'll take care of the curfew. All you have to do is show up tomorrow. Do you think you can do that?"

"Sure Ms. Keating. Anything else?"

"Yeah, just a few more things. What was that verse from?"

"What verse?"

"The verse that you and Charlie and Knox and Pitts and Meeks all quoted so passionately. That's not just coincidence. You all quoted it word for word. Was it from an old reading assignment or...?"

"Not exactly, Ms. Keating. It's a long story, and I don't know how much you know about...well, about the club that we're all involved in, but it had a lot to do with that."

"Ah. I see. I should have known that it would have something to do with that. Now it makes a lot more sense."

"Anything else, Ms. Keating? I hate to be rude, but I really do have to go. I have quite a bit of homework to do."

"No, Todd. There's nothing else. You can go. I'll see you tomorrow at nine?"

"Yeah Ms. Keating. I'll be there."

Todd spun on his heel again and made a fast break for the door, trying to calm his heart. He had just regained control of his breathing as he reached the door when he heard her call his name again.

"Actually Todd, there is one more thing."

"Yes, Ms. Keating?"

"Call me Monique."

"Alright, Monique. I'll see you tomorrow."

Todd almost ran out of the class, hoping to escape before she said anything else. His head was spinning with everything that had just happened. He had just talked to the woman he loved. She had invited him over to her apartment to talk. She had looked him in the eyes and told him to call her Monique. Todd was ecstatic, scared, and an all-over teenager.

'What does this mean,' he thought to himself, 'does she really just want to talk? Maybe it's more than that! But, then again, maybe its not. It's probably not. She couldn't want to do more than talk...not with someone like me. She probably doesn't even WANT to talk. She just feels like she NEEDS to talk to me. Like I'm some poor charity case just because my friend died. Well, I don't I don't need someone to talk to. I'm fine by myself. If the other boys can do it, so can I. I'm no different than they are. I wish people would stop thinking I'm so fucking fragile. That's what I liked about Neil- he treated me like a person. Not some fucking china doll who was about to break. I'm fine. I am.'

"I'M FINE. I'M FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC," Todd shouted at the glass cases of old photos he found himself standing in front of. The farthest left case had become somewhat of a shrine to Neil; a glass case full of his photos and notes that friends had written him after his funeral. Millions of I miss you notes and Wish You We're Back cards and roses and teddy bears and pictures. But only one card of tears. The small white paper had only three words on it, but was stained with tears. It was Todd's note. Todd collapsed to the floor and put his forehead against the cool glass. The tears were now streaming down his face and he was so mad at the voices in his head for talking him in to this place again. He thought to himself again how much he would love to stay happy, just for once. Todd glanced up and found the note he had written Neil. Its three words, in small letters, were blurry from the tears that had somehow found their way onto the paper. Todd read the note for the millionth time.

**I'll remember you.**

Todd leaned his head against the glass once more and only to himself admitted defeat.

"I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all."


	7. Ch 6 Magic of the Moon

A/N: Jess and Melanie are both my creation. Melanie can be borrowed if asked (as long as you promise to have her home by her ten o clock curfew, of course) but Jess s grounded at the moment. Sorry! Hope you like this smut!

Charlie looked among the shelves in his closet, desperate to find something to wear. He had finally been invited to another party, one where he hoped desperately to get laid- something that hadn't happened in a really, really long time. Too long for Charlie. Finally, having resided to himself that he had nothing to wear, he pulled one of his old silk shirts out of his closet. It was black and felt cool against his warm skin, flushed with anticipation. He tried his best to spike his hair as he slipped in to the only pair of jeans he owns. Charlie slipped his feet in to his black tennis shoes and checked himself once over in the mirror. He smiled, noticing his dimples and thanking God yet again for making him as handsome as he was. It had most definitely come in handy. Charlie grabbed his Wellton letter jacket, which was covered in letters from both track and crew, and headed out the door.

Charlie walked silently out the front door and across the cold grounds. He didn't bother to say good bye to any of his friends. They were all busy. Meeks and Pitts were bowling with some friends who were visiting from California, and Knox was out with Chris. He would have said goodbye to Todd, but he remembered Todd saying something about having to go see Ms. Keating and talk about a paper or something like that. So Charlie slipped his arms in to his jacket and shoved his hands in to his pockets. It was surprisingly cold out, and Charlie grabbed a cigarette from his back pocket, shoving it in to his mouth and lighting it. As he walked, he realized how grateful he would be to have a car. But he knew that he wouldn't get a car until he graduated...if he graduated. Charlie shook his head and turned his thoughts to Ms. Keating.

He had to admit to himself that she was a good teacher, even if she wasn't John. Mr. Keating had changed Charlie's world. Charlie had started the year feeling like literature and poetry weren't ever gonna help him or be needed. He had sat in Mr. Keating's class that first day, preparing to tune out yet another lecture by yet another bad teacher on yet another bad subject. But Mr. Keating had been able to surprise Charlie- something that was not easily accomplished. Charlie was not the kind of guy who was easily surprised. But, by midterms, when Charlie had begun looking forward to English class everyday and had become more and more involved with the dead poets society, he was surprised at the change within himself. Charlie ran down the hill on the outskirts of Wellton property quickly, picking up the pace as he reached the main road.

He walked quickly, knowing he was already late to the party. The party was being held by the daughter of some of his parent's friends. Charlie had known her since he was five. Her name was Jess and she was one of those really nice girls who also had a really wild streak. She was having the party while her parents were out for the night. Charlie was really glad he'd been invited. Most of Jess's friends were really hot and really easy too. An invitation to Jess's party was an invitation to have sex, probably more than once with more than one person. Instinctively, Charlie reached around to his other back pockets and felt for the condoms he had stuffed there hurriedly. He counted four, and hoped that it would be enough. About a mile down the road from Wellton, Charlie reached the front gate and rang the buzzer. Another thing about Jess was that, like his, her parents were filthy, disgustingly rich. Soon the gate buzzed and opened, like the cave of the forty thieves, leading Charlie to gather a treasure he desperately wanted.

Charlie reached the front door and smiled, feeling the pavement shaking beneath him. Coming from what sounded like the basement was loud rock music, so loud Charlie was surprised that the police hadn't been called. He rang the door bell, even though he knew no one would answer. Charlie was just getting ready to head to the back door when the one right in front of him swung open to reveal one of Jess's friends.

Melanie Carmichael stood in front of Chalice Dalton, her skirt at mid-thigh and he top plunging low, revealing the top of her cleavage. She looked at Charlie with a drunken glaze and smiled slowly.

"Um, hi. I'm Charlie. Charlie Dalton."

"Charlie Dalton....oh, I've heard about you! You're Jess's friend! The one who guys to that guy's school, right?"

"Um...yeah. That's me. Can I come in?"

"Of course, silly! It's a party! Come on in!"

Melanie pulled Charlie by the hand and quickly laced her fingers through his. She led him downstairs, past the stereo, to the bar. They entered the group of kids and Charlie noticed Jess standing in the middle, surrounded by hot girls and guys at all different stages in incoherent drunkenness. Charlie took a place in the circle and looked around, smiling at the girls and nodding to the guys. He saw Melanie cross to Jess and whisper something in her ear. Jess shot him a look and then looked back at Charlie. He looked at both of them, confused, and before he had a chance to figure out what was going on, Melanie was back at his side and tugging at his hand again. She was leading him back upstairs. The walked up to the living room and sat down on the couch.

"Sorry. It's just too loud down there and I wanted to talk. You know, Jess has told me a lot about you, Nuwanda."

Charlie looked at her, suddenly recalling a letter he had written to Jess about six moths ago, telling her all about the dead poet's society and his nickname and Mr. Keating. He smiled and scooted a little closer to Melanie on the couch. He slipped his arm around her shoulder smoothly.

"Well, you say you know a lot about me, but I'm afraid I don't know anything about you. I don't even know your name."

"Melanie Carmichael. Nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you to, Melanie Carmichael."

Charlie had heard a lot about Melanie over the years from Jess. Melanie used to live in New York and had gone to a Catholic school there. She had been kicked out for smoking and getting caught having sex in her room one Friday. Her parents had been livid and ended up sending her to a private school in Maine, the same school Jess happened to go to. If only her parents had known how much more trouble she would end up getting in to over the years with Jess. And it looked like tonight would end up being just one more night of trouble.

Melanie scooted closer to Charlie on the couch, leaning in so that her head was on his shoulder. She was obviously drunk, but Charlie didn't care at this point. He had a clear view down her shirt, and he was growing hard just from the sight of her two large breasts which he knew were just dying to be touched. He felt her breath on his neck and began to quiver. He cleared his throat, hoping the action would clear his mind as well. He shifted, arranging his pants in a desperate attempt to id his swelling erection.

"So tell me...what's it like to go to an all boy's school? Do you guys really give each other bj's when you get too desperate for girls?"

"Not exactly. Jacking off may be one thing, but you'll get your ass beat in more ways than one if they catch you with another guy at Hell-ton. What about at St. Mary's? Do the girls really eat each other out when they get to desperate for guys?"

Melanie leaned in close, whispering in Charlie's ear, "Maybe we do. Maybe we don't. It depends."

Charlie closed his eyes and tried his hard to think of things to rid himself of his still growing erection, "On what?"

"On how excited that'll get you," Melanie placed a kiss on Charlie's neck, running her other hand though his hair before she sat back on the couch. He looked at her, surprised and excited. He shook his head at her tease and leaning forward, taking his hand from her shoulders to her waist, pulling her to him.

He pressed his lips to hers forcefully, feeling her respond to his urge. She allowed her mouth to open and accepted his tongue in to her mouth, letting him explore. She returned the favor as Charlie ran his hands gingerly up her sides and settled on her back, just below her bra straps. He began to undo her clasp as she reached down and began to rub his hard cock through the tough denim. Just as he was about to come he pulled away and scooted to the other end of the couch. He was getting to excited and needed to calm down- this was the first time he had been with a girl since he had brought two girls to the cave, and he wanted to enjoy it- not waste it on a make out session. He looked at Melanie and smiled.

"Lets go upstairs. I just don't think that this couch is gonna end up begin big enough for the both of us."

Charlie grabbed her hand and led her up the stairs. He opened the first door he found and was glad to see that he was a bedroom. He ushered Melanie in and turned to close the door. Before he had even had time to turn back around he felt her hands at the waist of his jeans. He smiled and turned around as her hand undid the first button of his jeans. He reached back and slipped his hand gently under her shirt and quickly undid her bra. He then put his hands at the base of her shirt and began to slide it above her head. She happily complied and let both the shirt and the bra fall quietly to the floor. He smiled at seeing her breasts free, her nipples pert in the cold room air. He embraced her again, wrapping his hands around her waist as her hands went back to the waistband of his jeans. He felt his jeans fall to the floor and e stepped out of them, kicking them aside quickly. He reached back around and found the zipper to her skirt. He began to pull it down slowly as he moved to her neck, kissing her tenderly below her ear. He heard her moan softly and his erection stiffened again. He unzipped her skirt the rest of the way quickly and walked her back towards the bed. He lay her down gently and kissed her forcefully as she unbuttoned his shirt quickly. She sat up slightly and began kissing his chest, sucking lightly and nibbling on each nipple. Charlie felt a moan escape his lips and he leaned down to find her mouth. He kissed her again, running his hands through her hair. He felt her hand make his way down his back and reach under the elastic waist band of his boxers. He felt her wrap her and around his erection and begin to pump, slowly at first, so slowly it made Charlie crazy with anticipation. Her pace quickened, and Charlie was so close to coming that he couldn't stand it. But he wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that he enjoyed this. He didn't know when he would have the opportunity for something like this again. So he reached down and removed her hand from his shaft, looking her in the eyes and smiling.

"My turn," he whispered. He kissed her passionately, slipping his hand below her cotton panties. He found the place he was looking for- the place he didn't ever had any trouble finding- and began to rub in slow, small circles. He heard Melanie gasp before giggling and moaning slightly. He could tell that she was enjoying this, and that fact drove him even crazier. He slowly slipped one finger inside her and continued rubbing in faster circles, this time moving one finger in and out slowly as well. When she was good and wet, Charlie kissed his way down her stomach and slipped her panties down and over her waist, leaving them bunched around her ankles. Charlie took a mouthful of her and heard her scream in satisfaction. He continued until her breath came in short gasps and he was able to make out the words, "I'm coming."

"Not yet you're not," Charlie slid back up and kissed her passionately on the mouth. He guided his huge erection to her dripping hole and entered her slowly. She was tight, and Charlie loved the feel of her. As they both entered a rhythm that was good for them, Charlie closed his eyes, hoping to cherish every moment that he was spending with Melanie. Charlie bit his lip in pleasure, letting a small moan escape his lips as the rhythm they were keeping sped up. Charlie began to moan louder, looking down to see Melanie's beautiful face as he felt himself reach his climax.

The face that stared back at him smile,d his brown wyws twinkling. His cockeyed smile grew and his soft brown hair fell in to a natural part, the pieces at his forehead glistening with sweat. Charlie, as surprisedas he was, was happy, deep inside. As he looked in to the eyes in front of him, he felt himself come. He eard himself moan his new lovers name, "Ohhh....mmm....Knox..."

Melanie looked up at him, surprised. The moment for her was gone.

"What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything. All I did was moan. I should have told you that I'm a noisy guy."

"No, no, no. There was more than that. You said someone's name."

"No, I didn't. I never say names."

"But you did. You said...Knox. you most definitely said Knox. Who's Knox?"

"I don't know. I don't even know anyone named Knox. You were hearing things, I swear."

"Look, I know what I heard. If you want to deny that you're obviously a queer, than that is your deal."

"What the fuck are you talking about, queer? Do queers have sex with women?"

"No, but queers do say guys names when they come."

"Look, I fucking told you that I didn't say anything. So get off of it! "

Charlie was livid with rage. He couldn't help shouting at Melanie. He jumped quickly back in to his clothes and ran a nervous hand through his hair. He plowed down the stairs and slammed it behind him. He shoved his hand in to his back pocket and brought out a cigarette. He reached for his lighter but his hands were shaking too badly to light the cigarette. Charlie grew frustrated and ripped the cigarette from his lips and threw it on the ground. He sat down on the die of the road and slammed his head in to his hands. The tears of rage were pouring down his cheeks. He was so angry at himself for opening his big mouth. It was bad enough he had come to Knox's face again, but to admit it...to say it out loud. It was bad enough that sine his dream, every time he masturbated he thought about Knox, but to actually have sex and see his face...

Charlie sighed and stood up again, wiping his face. What did this mean? He couldn't actually be queer. He had just had sex with a woman and she had gotten him excited...but he had been thinking about Knox quite a bit. Charlie shook his head in frustration and decided to run back to school. He was early but decided the run would do him good.

He arrived back at his room sweaty, tired, and above all confused- three things Charlie hated feeling. He changed quickly in to his pajama bottoms and a dirty t-shirt he found lying on his floor. He sat on his bed and took out the book of early 19th century romantic poetry that had been assigned for his English class, but he just couldn't concentrate. Charlie decided to go to the bathroom for a drink of water.

On the way to the bathroom, he stopped in and said goodnight to Pitts and Meeks. He decided to say goodnight to Todd and Knox as well and was surprised to see their usually locked bedroom door left open. He opened the door lightly and was surprised to see no Todd and Knox asleep. The moonlight fell though a gap in the curtains on to Knox's sleeping face. The moon accented his high cheekbones and his full lips. Before he could stop himself, Charlie felt himself being dragged in to the room and standing above Knox's bed, staring at him. Charlie decided later that he could always just blame his actions on the power of the moon if anyone asked. Charlie bent down and softly brushed his hair to the side, and ten he leant down and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead.

Charlie couldn't explain himself or his actions. He knew that he loved Knox like a brother, that women got him excited, that Knox made him come and that he was definitely confused. Charlie turned quickly on his heel and rushed to the bathroom and splashed cold water in his face. He had definitely not expected this night to turn out the way it had. Charlie got his glass of water and hurried back to his room. He clicked off the light and snuggled down in to his old bed, feeling comforted by the feel of his old sheets. He closed his eyes and willed a dreamless sleep to come to him- quickly. The last thing he needed was a dream nightmare added to his real-life nightmare as well.


	8. Ch 7 The Poetry of Heartbreak

Knox looked down and gazed adoringly in to Chris's eyes. She was playing with the buttons on his shirt he was running his fingers through her soft blonde hair, twirling the pieces at the base of her neck around his fingers. They were sitting on her parents couch, wrapped in a blanket in front of a roaring fireplace.

Knox began to massage Chris's neck and she giggled, kissing him lightly on the stomach.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too, babe. It's so horrible that we have to be away from each other for so long. Did you talk to your parents about letting you move back?"

"Yeah, but you know how they are. They're still so mad at me for embarrassing them in front of the Danbury's. I tried to ask but they said no. You know how they are. The only thing that matters to them is saving face. At least with me out of their hair, they can claim that the problem is being solved."

"I know, I know. And there's nothing you can do, but I still miss you like crazy!"

"I know. I miss you too, Knoxy. I really do."

Chris reached up and kissed him gently on the neck. He lifted her chin to his and kissed her gently on the mouth. He pulled away and smiled. She was so beautiful. Her hair shimmered in the firelight and reminded him of the way the early morning sun would bounce off of Charlie's wet hair after an early crew practice. Knox sat up straighter and shook his head slightly. He had to quit thinking of Charlie. He couldn't stand it anymore. For the past couple of weeks, everything Knox thought about he related, in some way, to Charlie. Knox stared off in to space, trying hard not to think of how much Chris's house reminded him of Charlie's. He was trying so hard to keep Charlie out of his mind that he completely missed Chris sliding her hand in to Knox's pants.

Knox smiled slightly and moaned. He stared at the fire and leaned his head back. He felt himself grow hard and he moaned louder. In between moans he would whisper to himself, things that he only dared tell himself when he knew his door was locked.

"Ohm....mmmm...oh fuck...mmm....oh yeeeaahhh...mmm...Chaaarlieee ...mm....ohh Charlie, just like that...mmmm yeah...just like that baby..."

He felt his body as he tense as he came with a small scream. He drew his eyes away from the fire and looked at Chris, smiling.

"Thanks baby. That was great."

Chris just looked at him. He could see that she was upset. Knox was puzzled and racked his brain trying to figure out what he could have done to make her go from smiling to being on the verge of tears. He slid toward her on the couch, moving his arms to embrace her. Chris jumped up and walked backwards towards the wall. The tears were pouring down her face now, and Knox stood up, walking toward her slowly.

"Chris...baby...what's the matter," he moved toward her slowly, trying again to slid his arms around her waist and embrace her.

"Don't touch me. You...you QUEER!"

Chris turned and ran down the short hall to the bathroom. Knox heard the door slam and felt himself slide down to the floor. He hung his head in his hands and sobbed. He knew that Chris was upset. She had every right to be upset. He had just dropped quite a bombshell on her. He hadn't actually planned on telling her or anything. It had just happened. Of course, if Knox could have taken back everything he had said in his moment of bliss, he would. But he couldn't and now he had bigger problems than regret to fry. He stood up and walked slowly to the bathroom.

He knocked on the door tentatively, hearing Chris crying inside, "Chris...we need to talk. There's something I need to tell you..."

He set his head against the door and took a deep breath. When the door opened, Knox couldn't bear to look at Chris and see her red-rimmed eyes, even though he could hear her sniffles. She didn't say anything to him, she just sat back down on the toilet lid and continued crying in to her hands. Knox crossed to the bathtub edge across from the toilet and looked at the floor, which he now found surprisingly interesting.

"Look, Chris, I know what you're thinking. And I know what you're feeling."

"No, you don't."

Knox looked at her to see her eyes flash with hate, a hate he had never seen before.

"Alright, I don't. But I promise you that I didn't want to hurt you Chris. I would never want to hurt you. I love you."

"Don't tell me you love me! You don't love me! If you loved me you never would have said someone else's name while I was...well, you know. And you never would have said a GUYS name, that's for sure. If you loved me, you would have left me alone to be with Chet. Because of you I had to move 300 miles away! I had to leave my family, my friends, everything I love, all because you told me you love me! But you don't love me! You're a...a...a queer!"

"NO! I'm not. I mean, I am...I don't know Chris. I don't have any answers. I don't know anything anymore. But I am still sure that I love you, that I love kissing you, being with you, seeing you smile and laugh, and I wouldn't ever want to hurt you...especially like this."

"Well Knox, you did. As much as you didn't want to you did. You hurt me a lot. Knox...leave. Please. I don't want you here now."

Knox looked up at her to see if she was serious. She looked back at him, the hate in her eyes replaced with a stony indifference, a look that put more pain in his heart than any look of hate ever could. He nodded and stood up slowly. Before he left the bathroom, he looked back at her.

"I'll write you. I still love you, Chris...I'll always love you."

"No Knox. I don't want to hear from you. Just go. Just go and...and leave me alone. Please."

Knox nodded again, realizing that this was the end for him and Chris. He walked across the living room, which was beginning to grow cold as the fire dwindled to embers. He grabbed his coat, and saw the newest poem he had written to her fall out of his coat pocket. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands. He placed it on the coffee table in front of small vase of flowers and turned to leave. He truged up the stairs with a drooped head, his hands shoved deep in to his coat pockets. He peddled his bike home quickly and went straight t bed, ignoring the anxious and curious looks of his friends.

Knox knew that he shouldn't be home yet. Usually when Chris was in town, Knox was out all night, sneaking back in to his room at all hours of the morning. Which is why his classmates were so surprised to see him getting ready for bed at nine o clock. Knox brushed his teeth quickly but wasn't able to get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth. As he wrapped himself in his comforter, he noticed the moon falling on his face and he turned to look at it. The moon beams hit his face directly and he smiled slightly at the comfort he found in its slivery, watery light. He felt himself drift uncomfortably off in to a sleep that he knew wouldn't last.

After about an hour, Knox woke with a start. He didn't open his eyes, because he felt that he was being watched. He lay in his bed, still as he had been sleeping when he felt a warm breath on his forehead and then, even more surprisingly, two soft lips on his forehead. It took all the strength he could muster not to open his eyes. He heard soft footsteps retreat toward the door and he cracked his eyes enough to see the siouhetted frame of Charlie Dalton out of his room. Knox's eyes widened and he rolled over, facing the wall, confusion and false hopes soaring thourhg his brain. But, as much as he tried to stop it, sleep over took him before he had time to sort out that nights events.

* * *

Chris oepend the bathroom door slowly, making sure her face was clean and her hair was in place. She entered the dark, cold basement and sat down on the couch, staring at the now ashy fireplace. She noticed a small envelope on the coffee table in front of her and she switched on the table lamp. She picked up the envelope and noticed his fmialiar hadwriting. With shaky hands she opened the unsealed envelope and withdrew the thin notebook paper. She unfolded it slowly and felt the tears run cool down her flushed, hot cheeks. She began to read words that were once beautiful but now meant nothing but lies and deception.

_Chris  
My love  
My angel  
Love of my life  
and heart of my soul  
My one my everything  
Blessed with your laughter  
as frail as the tinkling of sliver bells  
Graced with your radiant smile  
beautiful as the dew  
on the early morning grass  
To know you  
To touch you  
To be in your arms again  
Brings to me a joy  
I have never known before  
And though we may be seperated  
know that forever shall you be  
kept inside my heart.  
_

Chris brought her legs to her chest and sobbedd in to her knees, the thin notebook paper crumpled in a small ball in her hand. She threw the ball across the living room and lay down on the couch slowly, wrapping herself in a blanket and drawing it over her head, sobbing until she had no more tears to cry.


	9. Ch 9 Flames of Heart

Todd Anderson wiped his sweaty hands and reached out for the gold door-knob in front of him. He looked down and eyes his reflection, upside down and warped in the convex metal. Suddenly his hand withdrew and found its way in to Todd's pocket. He turned his back to the door and took a quick three steps before turning back a round, a concrete look on his face. But just as his had touched the doorknob, again it retreated in to the safe confines as his pocket. Todd sat against the wall, leaning his head between his legs and running his hands through his hair. He didn't know why he had the trouble getting up the nerve to go and see Monique. She had asked him to come see her, she had invited him and even though he knew that he could never take it to the level he wanted to, he was still eager to go. Or so he thought.

Todd glanced around quickly as he heard footsteps approaching him in the hallway. The only thing more embarrassing than not being able to work up the nerve to see Monique was being caught a coward. Todd dashed quickly around the corner and down the stairs, passing only a janitor on his way down. Todd knew that Monique would not only be disappointed but that she would also most likely be deeply concerned. That was the kind of person Monique was. She was kind, she was caring and she worried about people. Those were just a few of the hundreds of aspects that made Todd love her so much. The light that caught her red hair and winked at him during class. The smell of her violet perfume as she leant over him, discussing a paper he had turned in. Her ability to quote the romantic poets, American authors, British playwrights and German philosophers- all traits that brought a smile to Todd's face. Not just any smile- the kind of smile that Todd had not had since he was just a little boy.

When Todd was fourteen, he was so excited to be going to his first school dance with a girl. His date- Sandy Beekman- was the first chair clarinet player, a soprano, and president of the knitting club. She had long brown hair and big blue eyes. Her teeth were crooked and her skin was pale and freckled, but Todd liked her anyways. He liked her because she liked him, and Todd hadn't ever been liked by anyone before.

Todd stood outside his school dance smiling, a small bouquet of daisies in his hand. He pulled nervously at his tie and looked around the nearly empty parking lot. he glanced at his watch, noting that his date was only ten minutes late. Todd crossed to a bench and set the small bouquet down beside him. He crossed his legs and yet again scanned the faces of girls around him, still not spotting the ivory skin of his lady love. Todd leant his head back and felt the breeze lift his hair gently before settling it back in to place. The next time Todd glanced at his watch he noted that his date was now almost a full half hour late. Sighing dejectedly, Todd picked up the small bouquet and began the mile and a half trudge home. On his way, he shoved the daisies deep in to the trashcan, adding his tie along with them.

The next day at school, Todd noticed everyone looking at him but not speaking too him. They averted their eyes and he felt their giggles follow him everywhere. He heard what no one would tell him- Sandy had stood him up, that she had told everyone that he was a desperate kid who had tricked her in to saying yes. That he was more of a loser than they ever would have dreamed. That day, after Todd had done his homework, cleaned his room, and done his share of the laundry, he sat down in his room and cried, the bedsprings shifting gently to match his sobs.

Todd ran with an aimless purpose towards the only place he knew he could go to feel alone yet complete. He felt the sharp slaps of pine branches as they slapped his face and hands and he pulled his coat tighter around him, trying to shield himself from the cold. He shoved his hands deep in to his pockets, where he found a copy of the poem he had written about Neil- the only poem he had ever dared to share with the Society. As he approached the half-hidden stone entrance of the cave, he pulled the poem out of his pocket and folded it in half again.

The cave was as cold yet as welcoming as it had ever been. Todd walked slowly, his head ducked even though he could have stood up straight if he wanted too. He made his way slowly around the fire pit, memories clouding his mind as tears clouded his eyes. Slowly, he sat down at the head of the fire pit and drew the poem from his pocket. He set the poem in the middle of the fire pit. He was looking around for a stone when another piece of paper caught his eye. He stood up and made his way to the corner of the cave, where he found the crumpled up newspaper article that had told them all of Mr. Keating's death. Todd stared at the crumpled ball of paper in his hands, moistening spots with fat, juicy tears. With great deliberation, he turned back towards the pit and set the newspaper article next to his poem.

Seeing what he needed by the edge of the pit, Todd picked up the flat flint stone and struck it against the pocket knife that lay on the rock by his side. Sparks jumped, but didn't catch. Todd struck the flint again, harder. This time a small spark caught hold to the edge of his poem, creeping its way along the edge, soon consuming both the poem and the article.

Todd watched the red-orange flames lick both edges of the paper. Todd felt a warm sensation start in the pit of his stomach, as spread towards the outer edges of his body, a mirror image of the flames that began to engulf the papers in front of him. Todd thought of all the things those papers symbolized to him. His poem- his coming out of the shell, his opening up and declaring his brotherly love for Neil out loud. The first time he had opened his heart- not only to others but to himself as well. The obituary of Mr. Keating's death. A death that meant more than the end of just Mr. Keating's life- that meant to death of the Dead Poets Society and whatever livelihood had been left among the boys. Two papers that should have meant more to him than they did. Should have mean enough to save and not burn. But Todd had set the both on fire, and had smiled as he did it. Todd was not burning paper, and he knew it. He knew that he was burning a part of himself that he did not want to live anymore- the part of him that felt, which dared to dream, that lived life to the fullest, sucking out all the marrow. As the two burned to ashes, a smooth voice wafted from the cave entrance.

"You can't burn your problems, Todd. You can't burn your pain or your memories."

Todd's head shot up and caught a glimpse of amber hair and bright green eyes. Todd let a small gasp and smile meet his lips.


	10. Ch 10 Doing Some History

A/N: Sorry the last chapter was so short, guys. It was a build up chapter, and the longest one I had time to write. But don't' worry, this on will be longer.

Todd looked up and gasped at seeing Monique leaning on the side wall of the cave, a concerned look in her eyes. Reflexively, he stood up.

"Sit down, Todd."

Todd sat back down and looked at the cave floor.

"Todd, look at me."

Todd raised his head slowly and looked at Monique as she walked slowly around the cave, avoiding his eyes under the ruse that she was checking out the décor and the nooks and crannies of a place Todd already knew.

"I thought I would find you here, Todd. You know, my brother used to speak about the Dead Poets Society all the time. He and his best friends started it in their sophomore year and continued it all the way thorough graduation. My brother loved the Society. He used to tell me about it- all these great stories about the adventures in literature he and his friends had taken," Monique sat on a rock next to Todd, a distant look in her eyes, "he used to write me letters about how much fun he was having away from home. He used to write, 'Mo-Mo, if only you knew how wonderful it was here. If only you could gather with us on our midnight meetings and know what its like to loose yourself in Thoreau, Whitman, Shelly. I miss you, Mo. But I'll see you soon, and I'll be sure and bring you plenty of poetry and stories. Love, John.' I used to hate it when he called me Mo-Mo."

Todd stared at Monique and watched as her shoulders began to shake gently. Softly, quietly, he leant over and began to rub her back, her body heat transferring to his freezing hands.

"Todd, why didn't you show up tonight. I was waiting for you- I was worried when you didn't show up."

"I'm sorry, Monique."

"Don't be sorry. Just tell me why you didn't come. Because you didn't want to?"

Todd looked at her in alarm.

"No! It wasn't that at all."

"Then why, Todd. Why didn't you come?"

Todd looked down and slid back to his rock and shoved his hands deep in to his pockets, finding them even colder now that they didn't have Monique's body heat to warm them. Todd shrugged his shoulders and muttered an ambiguous response, the one he always gave when he didn't know or want to give a real answer. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Todd, I won't settle for bullshit. I thought you knew that about me by now. Don't mutter that you had other things to do when I found you sitting here in the cave. Todd- Todd, look at me."

Todd looked up and met Monique's startling green eyes, which glowed with a passionate concern.

"I want the truth Todd."

"I didn't come because...because..."

Todd looked down again, scared to fall in to another trap of feelings, scared that this time he really wouldn't be able to get back up. Monique dipped her head, trying desperately to meet Todd's eyes again, to see the innocent worldliness that shone from inside them, the wisdom and experience that were beyond his years.

"Todd...Todd, please don't look down. Look at me. Why can't you look me in the eyes? Am I that scary?"

Monique giggled nervously, trying to pass off her attempt at a joke. Todd glanced up and smirked before averting his eyes back to the floor and shaking his head no.

"Then please just tell me."

Todd looked back at her and nodded slowly, taking a deep breath.

"I didn't come because...because I wasn't sure....wasn't sure that you really...really wanted me too."

Todd stammered his thoughts, scared to know that what he was saying would have consequences that even he couldn't see yet. Monique laughed gently and shook her head.

"Why would you think that? I asked you to come by, didn't I? I'm the one that invited you. How could you think that I wouldn't really over?"

"Because...because people do that all the time."

Todd was surprised at the anger that accompanied those words. He hadn't meant to sound bitter and angry, but he had. Monique recoiled as though she had been slapped, amazed at the anger with which the demure boy spoke.

"What do people always do, Todd?"

Todd found himself loosing control, felt himself ready to burst with feelings he had always wanted to share but never been able too. Todd looked down again, his face red with anger and frustration.

"That. Invite me places so that I don't fee left out. Treat me like a breakable object, not a person. No one understands anymore what its like to be me! That sounds so teen, but it's so true. Yes, my best friend died. But that's not it! He was the best friend of so many other people, yet they aren't being coddled. Why me? What is so god-damned special about me that I need to be coddled and treated like a fucking glass object about to shatter at any moment? Just once I wanted to be treated like a person. I want to get in a fight, want to be cursed at, want to be in trouble- not to be Todd, but to be another person entirely. You know, I was so jealous of Charlie when he got kicked out. He had acted on his impulses and had gotten in actual trouble. No one said- 'Oh, its ok, his best friend died so we'll let him do whatever he wants'. They kicked him out. Why can't I be Charlie? What can't I be Pitts or Meeks or Knox? Anyone but myself. I'm so damn sick of being myself."

Todd collapsed on the floor of the cave in front of the rock he had been sitting on and began to sob. The sobs racked his whole body. He continued to sob as he felt a warm hand his neck and a body slide down beside him. Before he knew what he was doing, he was leaning in and crying on Monique's shoulder as she tried desperately to comfort him.

"Shh...Todd. It's ok. Shhh...calm down Todd. Shhh...Todd, you don't want to be Charlie. Charlie's a good kid. And so are Meeks and Pitts and Knox. But they're not you. Todd, if you were them you wouldn't have the kindness and compassion I see in you everyday. You wouldn't have the poetic soul or open mind that I've come to love about you. You wouldn't have any of the traits that I love. People date boys like Charlie and Knox...they fall in love with boys like you."

Todd looked up, wide-eyed. This time it was Monique's turn to look down.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me, Todd. Please don't make me repeat it."

Todd dried his eyes and nodded. A pressing silence filled the cave for a few moments before Todd pressed his hand to Monique's cheek and tilted her chin up to look him in the eyes.

"I...I love you too, Monique."

Todd leant forward and kissed her softly, shyly on the lips. Monique, warmed by this invitation, ran her hands through Todd's hair and pressed her lips more firmly to his. She nibbled playfully on his bottom lip and Todd ran his hands along her shoulders, removing her coat. They slid down to a lying position as their kisses increased in passion and intensity. Todd felt that familiar budge that usually accompanied thoughts of Monique. Todd reached under Monique's shirt and had just gotten his hands on the clasp of her bra when Monique's pushed his hands away and sat up, smoothing her hair.

"Hold on, Todd. We need to talk about this before we go any farther."

"Talk about what? You love me, I love you, and this is what people who are in love do!"

"I know, love, but we need to talk first. Todd, you're a student, I'm a teacher. If we ever get caught...I'm fired and you're expelled, at the least, if legal matters aren't' taken as well, of course. Not to mention that at the moment you have no protection of any sort, and that neither of us has thought fully about the repercussions of this relationship. Todd, we both need to think very seriously about this."

"Monique, I have thought very seriously about you since the day you set foot in Hell-ton Chapel. You have occupied every corner of my thoughts since your first class, when you told us you looked forward to seeing the genius inside us all. Monique, you have been in my dreams for months, my hopes for weeks, and in my grasp for minutes. You have to believe me when I say that I love you enough to take whatever risks you're willing to take with me. I know that you feel overwhelmed, so do I. But I love you. With all my heart. And when you love, you take risks. Even though one of those risks is getting hurt, or loosing your job, or getting pregnant. You have to take the risk Monique. They call should call it jumping in love. And if you want to jump, Monique, I'll be here to catch you."

Todd leant forward and began pressing gentle, heartfelt kisses on Monique's neck, and began unbuttoning her blouse slowly to reveal a glimpse of a lacy white bra. Monique moaned softly and ran her hands though Todd's hair, apparently giving in. Todd reached around and quickly undid Monique's bra, throwing it aside quickly. Todd continued to kiss every inch of Monique's bare flesh and the slid off her skirt quickly. Todd undressed before he continued to slide off Monique's panties and kiss her bare inner thighs softly. Hearing her moan, Todd felt himself grow more excited and he prepared to enter her quickly. Todd, though virginal, did the best he could. He didn't last long, but as the night progressed and their love-making continued, his progress increased. Todd soon became schooled in the finer points of lovemaking and, leaving the cave that morning looking ecstatic but tired, felt even more reserved in the love that he and Monique shared.

Todd and Monique tried their best to keep their relationship in class formal and professional, but the students soon noticed the two talking in close whispers, sharing a little giggle or a secret look across the room. The boys of Hell-ton, especially members of the Dead Poets Society, noticed a change in Todd as he became more outspoken and friendly in the hallway, and no longer looked at his feet when he walked.

Todd and Monique met every day, activities permitting, and before long, Todd was trying things he never thought he would. The relationship grew between the two until Todd relied on Monique fore everything emotional, basing his happiness on hers. One day in her office, as they finished a quick little romp before dinner, Monique laid her head against Todd's sweaty chest.

"Todd, maybe we should calm down. You know, the most passionate relationships don't always end well."

"Why are you talking about ending? I don't see any end in sight."

"Well, we should at least be prepared for the worst."

"All I want to prepare for right now is Hell-ton hash and maybe later a little but of you for dessert."

Todd sat up and kissed Monique before rushing back in to his school uniform, hearing the dinner bell ring. Todd sauntered in to the mess hall ten minutes later, joining the very end of the dinner line. By the time he had gotten his food and sat down, the other boys were just finishing eating. Todd ate quickly, avoiding the glances around him. He jumped when he heard a voice in his ear.

"He Todd, where were you? This is the third time this week that you've been late for meals."

"Hey Knoxious. I know. I was going over a paper with Ms. Keating and I lost track of time."

"Oh, is that what we're calling it now? 'Going over a paper'," Charlie Dalton smirked over from the other side of the table. Todd blushed a deep maroon and stood up quickly.

"I've got to go do some history."

"Well, tell her we said hello."

Todd nearly ran out of the mess hall as the other members of the Society exchanged knowing glances and smirks.


	11. Ch 11 Phone Call From Home

A/N: Sorry again about that wait! I'm trying guys, you have to believe me! After sleep, meals, homework, and play practice, you guys are on the top of my list! Well, the boys are back! And maybe if you're lucky, there will be quite a bit of snogging and lovely petting in this chapter...but you'll have to read to find out!

Charlie Dalton picked up the phone and held it tenderly to his ear. It was common knowledge at Wellton Academy that a phone call from home was never good. Any good information could be shared through letters, but the urgency of phone calls carried with it dire undertones.

"Hello?"

"Hello Charles."

Charlie shivered at the cold voice of his father. Charlie and his father had never gotten along. Charlie's father had always wanted Charlie to become everything he was- a doctor, a business school graduated, and an upstanding member of society. Charlie had never wanted any of those things.

"Hello Father. To what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?"

"Rest assured Charles that this phone call is no pleasure. I'm afraid I have some rather unfortunate news. Very unfortunate, in fact."

Charlie sat down on to his bed and braced himself.

"Well, what is it?"

"Don't take that tone with me Charles. I'm afraid to tell you that there has been quite an accident here at The Manor."

The Manor. Charlie's home. At least, the place Charlie slept during the summer. The Manor was exactly what it sounded like- a refurbished mansion in the hills of Maine. Charlie hated it when people referred to it as The Manor- especially his father. It sounded so arrogant.

"Alright."

"Charles, Guinevere is dead."

Charlie laughed out loud. He didn't know what to do.

"Good one father. For a split second there, I almost thought you were serious. Now tell me, what's the real emergency?"

"Charles, this is not a joking manor."

"Come on, Father. I have to get to class soon. Tell me why you really called. I don't have time for your games."

"Charles, believe me- I do wish that this wasn't the reality. But it is. She was rowing on the lake with Paul when they came across a storm. You know how lousy a swimmer she was. Paul tried his hardest to get her home, but he just wasn't able to. She drowned, Charles. She's gone."

Charlie went pale and dropped his head, cradling it softly in his hands. He felt a ball well immediately in his throat and tears sprang to his eyes.

"I expect you to handle this like a man, Charles. Do not embarrass me with this. You may be two hundred miles away, but I expect you to honor this family and behave in a way that is appropriate. I know that you must be feeling mournful, Charles. You loved Guinevere very much. But your class work must not suffer. You must continue to live up to the Dalton family name. The funeral will be held this weekend. You will receive a pass by Thursday. Good bye, Charles."

Charlie heard the phone click off on the other line and Charlie dropped the phone back in to its cradle. Leave it to his father to glaze over the death of the most important girl in Charlie's life and use it as another speech on honoring the family. Charlie pulled his knees up to his chest and began to cry, hearing the class bell ring somewhere in the distance. Charlie thought of Guinevere, his only sister, imagined seeing her body floating in the huge lake that encompassed most of the back half of their property. He recalled all the times over the years he had tried to teach her to swim, and how aptly she refused, claiming that she would never need it. Charlie thought of the day he had left home for his first day at Wellton, how sad it made him to leave his little sister. He was so scared for her and had been since that day. She wasn't like all the other girls. She was fragile and scared of so much.

When she had met Paul in the eighth grade, Charlie had been very wary of him. Paul was the kind of guy who used and abused women- much like the kind of guy Charlie was. But Paul turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to Guinevere. Paul proposed right after their junior year, and they had planned on getting married after their senior year. The entire family couldn't have been happier for them. But now that was never going to happen. Charlie knew that his sister would never get the chance to be a bride, and that he wouldn't ever get to see her live the full life she had always dreamed of living. And then Charlie felt another feeling boiling in the pit of his stomach- a bitter feeling that he couldn't be rid of.

Charlie hated his father. He hated everything his father stood for. He hated his father for not keeping a better eye on Guinevere, especially when he knew she couldn't' swim. He hated him for letting her go rowing on the river. He hated him for calling his home The Manor and he hated him for never calling him son. He hated his Father for being gone all the time and leaving them to be raised with nannies and maids, especially after his mother died. Charlie hated his father for living, for breathing, and for being a part of Charlie.

Charlie curled himself in to a ball and lay on hi bed, sobbing in to his pillow, barely noticing the bell that signified the end of class. Before long, Charlie heard a gentle knock at his door. He ignored it and continued to sob, wondering if the tears would ever end.

"Charlie?"

Charlie took a quick glance at his door to see a tall brunette leaning against the door frame.

"Go away."

"Charlie, you weren't in classes. What happened? Who was on the phone for you?"

News of a phone call from home spread quickly, especially the upper-class.

"I said go away Knox. I don't want to talk right now."

"Charlie...oh Charlie. What happened? Was it bad?"

Charlie sat up on his bed and pulled his knees in to his chest, studying them intently. He nodded. Knox walked slowly across the room, his hands in his pockets, studying the floor as if he'd never seen it before. He pulled out Charlie's desk chair and sat down.

"Was it your dad?"

Charlie nodded. Knox and Neil were the only two people who knew what Charlie's father was, and how ruthless he could be.

"What did he say?"

Charlie shook his head, tears pouring down his face.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Knox sat on the bed beside Charlie, putting his arm around his shoulders and hugging him gently.

"Come on Charlie. Whatever it is, it's gotten you pretty shook up. I haven't seen you cry this hard since Neil died. Is it your grandma?"

Charlie shook his head no. His grandmother had been sick for a long time with lung cancer.

"Then what, Charlie? You know you can tell me, buddy."

Charlie took a deep breath.

"Guinevere's dead."

Charlie heard Knox gasp audibly. Knox was the only Society member who had ever met his sister. They had been introduced the summer that Knox had been living at Charlie's while his parents were settling there divorce. Knox and Gwen had gotten along great, talking all the time about art and movies and their favorite bands. They had a lot in common and Charlie knew that Knox loved Charlie's sister as much as he did.

"Charlie...my God...I'm so sorry."

Charlie glanced at Knox and could see one tear for in the corner of his eyes and roll silently down his cheek. Charlie nodded and leaned his head back up against the wall. He felt another wave of tears come on, and started to sob again. Before he knew what was happening, he felt being enveloped in a bear hug by the brunette next to him. Charlie cried in to Knox's shoulder, noting somewhere in the back of his mind the smell of a wonderful cologne and pipe tobacco. Knox let Charlie cry for hours, wrapping his arms around his true love and wishing more than anything that he could take his pain away. After Charlie's sobs quieted, Knox pulled away and looked Charlie in the face.

The tears continued to streak his flushed cheeks and his eyes were rimmed in red, but Charlie remained the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. Without saying a word, Knox reached up and gingerly wiped away two tears off of Charlie's cheeks. He looked at Charlie as an anxious silence filled the room. Knox looked Charlie in the eyes and found that he was looking in to bright green pools filled of...what? Lust? Passion? Anger and disgust? Knox couldn't tell. But he didn't care. Knox felt a little voice inside him tell him that it was now or never. Taking a deep, silent breath, Knox leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on Charlie's forehead. He heard Charlie gasp shortly. He pulled away immediately and stood up.

"I-I'm sorry. I don't...I mean I...I'm sorry."

Knox leapt up and charged for the door, accidentally knocking Charlie's chair over on his war path.

"Knox, wait!"

Charlie jumped up and raced after Knox, reaching him just before he set foot out in to the hall. Pulling on his hand and flinging him around him, Charlie kicked the door closed with his foot and pushed Knox up against it at the same time. Charlie smiled as Knox looked at him confused.

"You were going to leave before I had the chance to say thank you."

A/N: Ok, ok. So I didn't get around to writing the lovely petting and snogging. But I assure you that it will be in the next chapter- and that there will be lots of it. In fact, look forward to lots of fluff next chapter because I think Charlie and Knox need it after so much drama. As always, reviews are cherished for all eternity!


	12. Ch 12 Finally

A/N: Here it is! As promised! I've decide this chapter will be a break from the rollercoaster drama of the story up to now. Look forward to lots of sweet talk, cuddling, and of course some beautiful slash! Don't say I didn't warn you! You can still hit your new best friend- the back button!

Charlie let go of Knox and turned to walk back across the room, picking up his desk chair and setting it upright. Knox stayed with his back pressed against the door, confused.

"Charlie...?"

"What?"

"What did you mean you wanted to thank me?"

"What do you think I mean. I mean, how many meanings are there for those words?"

Knox licked his lips tentatively, walking slowly back towards the center of the room.

"Well, I know what you meant, but what did you mean? I mean, what do you want to thank me for?"

"For...well...I mean, you know. For being there. For being a friend. For saying what you said and...doing what you did."

Knox sat down on the corner of Charlie's bed and felt the weak mattress sag beneath his weight. He stared at the far wall for so long that it began to change colors. Knox realized several minutes later that neither of them had said anything for a long time and Knox turned and looked over at Charlie, who was looking back at him, a small smirk on his face. Knox cocked his head to the left slightly and let himself smirk in return.

"What are you smirking at, Dalton?"

"You."

"Why?"

"I was just noticing how cute you looked from the back."

Knox stared and couldn't believe that he was hearing those words, words he had prayed so many times to hear, escape the lips of probably one of the most homophobic men he knew. Charlie had always been the one in the groups to put down the few gay men he had met, and to make snide comments about the millions he hadn't. Knox could have sworn he was dreaming.

"What...I...um...what?"

"Oh nothing. It's just that your hair is getting longer and it's sexy."

"Oh...um...yeah...uh...oh."

Knox turned around and put his heads in his hands, scolding himself for responding so poorly. He had practiced his speech millions of times at night, imagining what he would say to end up seducing Charlie. But now, at the moment of truth, he had chocked and blew what ever slim chance he had of seeing his most secret dreams come true. Knox sighed deeply when, out of nowhere, he felt a warm hand on the back of his neck. Knox lifted his head up but didn't turn around as the hands moved their warm down to his shoulders, massaging gently. Just as Knox was about to say something, he felt warm breath on his neck and two soft lips nibbling on his ear gently. Knox moaned gently as Charlie began to suck on Knox's collar bone, an area that had always gotten Knox excited. Quickly, before he lost courage, Knox turned around and planted his lips firmly on Charlie's, surprised by their softness. Knox wrapped his arms around Charlie's neck and parted his lips, letting his tongue intertwine with Charlie's as Charlie pressed his hands deep in to Knox's brown hair. Knox ran his hands along Charlie's back and butt, pressing his lips even harder to Charlie's. Knox heard Charlie moan lightly and the sound drove Knox wild. Knox found the buttons to Charlie's shirt and began to undo them slowly, letting the fabric slip quietly from Charlie's firm chest. Before Knox knew what else was happening, Charlie had found a way to rotate Knox so that they were both lying down and Charlie was on top- a place both boys liked him being in. Knox looked in to Charlie's eyes and smiled. Charlie smiled back and began to kiss Knox again as Knox reached his hands slowly to the waistband of Charlie's pants. He found Charlie's belt buckle and undid it slowly, the tinkling of metal adding a gentle background noise. Having undone Charlie's belt buckle, Knox felt gently for the button to Charlie's slacks and undid that with graceful speed. Just as Knox was preparing to slide off Charlie's pants completely, Knox felt Charlie's body stiffen uncomfortably. Knox pulled away from their embrace and looked at Charlie.

"Look, Charlie...if you don't want to, you know...I mean, if you think that this is a mistake or...or if you don't..."

Charlie shook his head and looked at Knox with an emotion that Knox couldn't identify.

"It's not that. I mean...I just think that I should tell you...I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter."

"What do you want to tell me, Char?"

"Just that I've never...well...done anything...I mean...not like this...I mean...I don't know what I mean."

"Char, are you trying to tell me that you're a virgin?"

Charlie looked out the window sullenly and nodded. Knox almost laughed, but sensed that doing so would cause more discomfort for Charlie. So instead he scooted himself nearer to Charlie and took his hands, interlacing their fingers gently.

"Charlie, I couldn't care less."

Charlie nodded and squeezed Knox's hand gently. Knox looked up in to Charlie's face and quickly met the lips that awaited his. Before long, both boys were clad in only their boxers and were thoroughly enjoying finding each others bodies. As Knox continued to let his tongue enjoy the caverns of Charlie's mouth, he reached down to Charlie's slim waist and slid his boxers off, hearing Charlie moan as Knox's hand found his waiting cock. Charlie quickly slid off Knox's boxers and prepared to enter him. Charlie entered Knox carefully, slowly, and had trouble controlling the passion that soon overtook him. Both boys soon found a rhythm that they could keep comfortably, and it was over before either of them wanted it to be. As Knox reached his orgasm, he heard himself scream Charlie's name. The pause that passed between them was significant enough to make Knox tense a bit before the sound of Charlie screaming his name in return filled his ears. And then, to Knox's surprise, the words he had always wanted to hear escaped the mouth of his new lover.

"OH KNOX!!!! Oh...Oh Knox I love you!! Oh Knox..."

Charlie collapsed against Knox's chest and felt the strong, steady heartbeat. Knox kissed the top of Charlie's head gently and ran his hands through his hair as he tried desperately to calm his breathing. His heart was going a mile a minute and threatened to leap right out of his chest. After a while, Knox felt Charlie's breathing calm to an even pace and knew that Charlie had fallen asleep. Knox smiled and slipped from under Charlie's grasp slowly. He looked down at Charlie's calm, sleeping face and smiled. He put his clothes back on quickly, never allowing his eyes to leave Charlie's face. As soon as Knox was dressed, he scrawled a quick note to Charlie and left it on top of Charlie's clothes, which he had folded and put in a neat pile at the foot of the bed. Kissing Charlie gently on the head, he opened the door and stepped out in to the hall, shutting the door behind him gently.

Knox walked down the hall, nodding to Todd, who was standing just inside the door of his room. He walked down the stairs quickly, shivering as a cold blast of air hit him when he stepped outside the door. He knew e had to go somewhere to think. But the only thing Knox didn't know was how long he wanted to be alone.


	13. Ch 13 Heart of Winter

Charlie awoke with a start, sitting up quickly and looking around himself. He didn't recognize the room he was in. He looked around, his mind still cloudy with the fading traces of sleep. He rubbed his eyes gently, trying his best to clear his thoughts as he looked around the room, trying desperately to place himself. And then it hit him. The realization of where he was and what had happened hit him like a tidal wave and he lay back down, smiling to himself. It had all happened so fast. But he had wanted it to happen. Charlie realized that he didn't remember exactly when he had decided that he wanted it to happen. But he did. He had wanted to be with Knox. And he had been. Charlie was surprised at how easy it had been. He never thought that Knox would want to be with him. Charlie and Knox were not usually two boys that you saw together.

Charlie always saw himself as a bad boy. And he knew that how other people saw him too. And he liked it that way. It let him know who he was, and he took pride in that. E didn't have to actually let people see the real him, because they all knew that he was a "bad boy" and that's all that needed to be said. But it did present one problem- he had fallen in love with the good boy.

Knox was not a bad boy. In fact, he was the exact opposite of that, no matter how much he didn't want to be. He was the kind of guy who opened doors, didn't talk behind peoples back, who would say something since or try not to say anything at all. And that's what Charlie loved about him. The fact that he was so different.

Charlie didn't know how the line had been crossed, but it had. And it had happened when it needed to. Charlie had needed, more than anything in the world, someone who would be there for him. And that's exactly what Knox was- there for him.

Charlie sat up in bed and looked around for his clothes. He found them, folded neatly, with sharp creases, lying at the end of his bed. He didn't remember having put them there, when he saw the note. He picked it up and smiled at the familiar handwriting and the comforting words.

_Dear Charlie,_

_I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful and beautiful. Look, Charlie, I don't' know how you felt about what happened. But I just need to tell you that I loved it. I love you. I'm so glad that we...you know. It meant the world to me. I know that I should have been there holding you when you woke up. But I needed to think about some stuff. You see, when I woke up, I realized exactly how much had happened between us. Charlie, this is big...this means something; at least it does to me. I think we both need to think about a lot. Charlie, I need to tell you something- I've wanted this for a very long time. This is really embarrassing to write, but I used to hope that, maybe one day you and I could...well, you know. Even with Chris there was always a part of me that wanted to...well, you know what I mean. Look, Charlie, I'm sorry I'm not there. I really am. I would give anything to be there right now, to kiss your hair and see you smile, as I undoubtedly know you will when you read this letter. You always do smile- well, smirk is more like it. But I needed to think, and so do you. Charlie, when you've thought about what all this means, then you can meet me in the cave. I'll be there all night. I can't wait to see you- if I see you._

_With a tentative love,_

_K.O. _

Charlie put down the letter and slipped his clothes on. He knew it would be cold outside, but he didn't have the energy to grab a coat. He knew that Knox was right, that he had a lot to think about. He trudged slowly down to the lake, pushing against the bitter cold. He found a rock large enough to sit on and pulled his knees in to his chest. He smiled as he watched a swan glide carelessly through the air and land gracefully on the water. He watched the water ripple out from the swan's landing spot until the ripples reached the edge of the lake, just inches below his feet. He smiled and breathed deeply, the crisp lake air laced with the smell of pine trees. He shoved his hands deep in to the pockets of his slacks and trailed is foot in the water. The bitter cold didn't bother him- it was relaxing to be so close to nature. A nature that, for him, always seemed steady. He though back to all the times he had roamed the surrounding forests with Neil after they had first come to Wellton- how many times he had rowed this very lake as he and his friends had grown up- together.

Charlie turned his thoughts from the lake to the events that had transpired over the past few hours, and the years before that. He hadn't woken up one day and just started liking Knox. His love for him grown steadily over the years, peaking when Neil died. That was the first time that Charlie felt comfortable to put a name to his feelings- love. Charlie loved Knox, and it made him so sad to see that it took Neil's death to make him realize that. Charlie thought over all the times that he had sat in the cave and just watched Knox cry, ignoring the strong urge to reach out and brush his tears away, to ruffle his hair and take him in his arms.

Charlie stayed at the lake for as long as possible, watching the lake turn from red to blue to purple, and, finally, to black. Charlie finally forced himself to leave when the cold had turned his hands purple and the stars were reflecting in the stars. Walking slowly thorough the woods, rubbing his hands together quickly, trying desperately to stimulate the flow of blood back to his numb hands, Charlie found the path that he and his fellow society members had worn deep in to the forest floor. Before long, Charlie found himself at the entrance of the cave, and he called coyly in to the darkness.

"Oh Knoxy-poo..."

Charlie didn't get an answer. He yelled again.  
"Knoxious Darling, it's your lover-boy!"

Still no answer. Charlie took a step gingerly in to the entrance, calling louder.

"Hey Knox, I'm here."

Charlie didn't get an answer. Feeling as though a stone had dropped swiftly in to his stomach, he walked quickly in to the body of the cave and allowed his eyes time to adjust to the dim light. Finally being able to see, Charlie smiled to see Knox curled up in to a tight ball in the corner.

"Baby, I can't believe you fell asleep. Did I take that long?"

Charlie crossed to Knox's body and sat down next to him, shaking his shoulder gently.

"Wake up sleeping beauty. Come on. We've got to get back to school."

Knox didn't move. Charlie shook him harder.

"Come on love. It's time to get up. We don't have time to fool around."

Knox remained as still as stone. Charlie shook him harder, feeling Knox's teeth rattle in the back of his head. Charlie turned Knox's head towards his and kissed his forehead gently, feeling the flesh cold beneath his lips. He bent his head to Knox's chest and heard a faint heartbeat.

"Oh my God, Knoxy. What happened to you? Don't worry babe. I'm gonna get you out of here. You'll be fine. I promise."

Charlie hoisted Knox up and carried him as quickly as he could through the woods. Before long Charlie felt his feet go numb and his breath slowed. It was getting colder. Charlie could feel the cold beginning to seep in to his lungs. He began to walk faster, singing to himself to keep himself coherent. Just when he thought he couldn't go on any more, the dim yellow lights of Wellton Academy came in to view and Charlie hurried even faster, his breathing labored. He brought Knox in through the front door of and sent him down gently on the floor. Charlie stood up and walked slowly to the stairs, looking for help. He took one step up before the floor started spinning and the wall began to change colors. The floor in front of him went in and out of focus and he felt his hand grab the banister, though he didn't remember telling it to do so. The last thing Charlie remembered was hearing someone shout for help.


	14. Ch 14 Everything You're Not

Todd sat on Monique's bed and picked up one of the books from her nightstand. It was an old, trashy romantic mystery with a torn cover and yellowed pages. He flipped through the pages with a bored sigh and glanced yet again at his watch. Monique had finished teaching her last class almost an hour ago, and she had promised to meet him in her room afterwards. Todd set the book down with and audible thump and stood up, smoothing the legs of his slacks with his hands. He shoved his hands in to his pockets and began to pace around Monique's cramped bedroom. After another fifteen minutes of anxious pacing, Todd decided to stop by her classroom to see what was taking her so long.

Todd closed the door to Monique's room and snuck carefully down the hall and out the door. If anyone had seen him coming out of her room at that time of day, there would certainly be questions. But Todd was careful, and didn't really mind having to sneak around. He loved Monique enough to make sure that neither of them got in trouble for their relationship. Sure, there were times when he wanted to shout his loves from the rooftops and times when he wanted to tell his friends and ask them what they thought, but he knew he couldn't. Doing so would bring around his downfall and hers. So he kept quiet and continued to love her and take pride in the fact that she loved him.

Todd had changed so much over the course of three weeks that even the students and other faculty members were starting to notice it. He was more outgoing. He wasn't afraid to laugh or tell other students what the thought in his classes. His school work improved, especially his English. He didn't cry alone as much, though only he and Monique knew that. Todd was, literally, a new man. And he knew that he had Monique to thank for that.

The air was cold but the sun was shining as Todd made his way across the courtyard on his way to the English department. His heels resounded on the cold stone and he took a deep breath full of the chilly winter air. Winter had always been his favorite season. Sitting on his window sill at home and watching the bare trees shake in the wind lor; playing soccer out on cold sunny days in his backyard had been some of his favorite things to do. Todd smiled and thought happily about how much his life had changed in the past month.

He opened the door to the English apartment and smiled and Pitts, who was on his way out, a stack of rather think books in his arms. Todd had to restrain himself from skipping down the hall to Monique's room as he made his way down the stairs. He knocked on the door, two soft knocks and then a loud one- their secret knock. He waited anxiously, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at his watch. He knocked again and waited. He was surprised that she wasn't answering. The thought ran through his head that she may not have been there, but he didn't think that was possible. If she wasn't there, than where was she? She had promised to come and meet him after class unless she had a student, and Monique always kept those kinds of promises. He knocked a third time, his hand reaching down and twisting the door knob. He was surprised to find it unlocked. If she wasn't there, she would have locked the door. But if she was there, she would have answered his knock. He set a tentative foot in to the room and looked around, half-expecting to see some sign of tragedy. But the room looked the same. It looked as it had that morning and all the mornings before that. He walked quietly up to Monique's desk, trying not to make any noise. He knew that it would bring questions if he was found alone in a teacher's room with no sign of the teacher.

Todd walked to her office and turned the doorknob, surprised to find it unlocked as well. But as surprised as he was to find it unlocked, he was surprised to find Monique's sitting at her desk, a mug of tea in her hand and a students essay in front of her.

"Monique! What are you doing here?"

"This is my office, Todd. I'm grading papers. What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for you! You didn't come to your room like you promised you would."

"I'm sorry Todd. I know I promised. But I really do have to grade these essays. You know I can't let us get in the way of the job I'm getting paid to do."

"I know that. But why didn't you tell me you weren't going to come?"

"Tell you when, Todd? I haven't seen you all day."

"You could have told me today in class."

"In front of all your friends and classmates? Come on now, Todd. Use your head."

"I'm sorry, Monique. You're right. It doesn't matter that you didn't come. I was just worried about you."

"Well, that's very sweet of you, Todd."

Todd leaned against the doorpost and looked at the woman he loved. The sunlight was pouring through her hair, causing a red halo to appear around her head. She truly was an angel. Just as he was about to leave and let her get back to her grading, another thought came in to his head.

"I'll go ahead and let you get back to your grading, sweetie, but I only have one more question."

"What is it love?"

"Why didn't you answer the door? I knocked our secret knock three times."

"I'm sorry love. I just must not have heard it. I didn't mean to leave you waiting."

"No, it's fine. I'll go ahead and let you get back to your work. Besides, I have to go see Mr. Hankins about my chemistry homework. But I'll see you tonight, right? You'll meet me this time?"

"Of course, love. I'll be there."

"You promise?"

"I swear."

Todd kissed her lightly and a strange smell met his nose. It smelled vaguely like man's cologne. But Todd decided that he must be imagining things or perhaps even smelling himself. He patted Monique gently on the shoulder and walked out of her office, shutting the door quietly behind him. He exited her room quickly and ran back to his room, a huge grin across his face. Not even the looming thought of twenty chemistry problems to do in an hour could dampen his mood.

Monique watched Todd run happily across the courtyard and she let out the breath she had been holding. She stood up quickly and opened the small closet in her office. She smiled at the bright green eyes that met hers.

"That was close."

"You didn't tell me you were supposed to be meeting lover boy."

"You don't really mind, do you?"

"Of course not. Ok, well, maybe a little. But if sleeping with him makes you have the sex that you have with me, I think I'll get over it."

"You are so not funny."

The red-headed stranger pulled her close and kissed her neck. She shivered and kissed him on the lips, hard and passionate.

"You know you love me."

"Your right."

The two continued to kiss, wrapped comfortably in each others arms. By the time Monique glanced at the clock on her desk, she realized that she only had ten minutes to get ready for dinner.

"Jeffrey, I have to go."

"Go where?"

"To dinner! I only have ten minutes!"

"What is dinner? We can live on love. We don't need dinner."

"Maybe you don't! But I'm an old lady!"

"An old sexy lady!"

"Your flattery won't help! I really do have to go to dinner."

"Alright, alright. Fine. But I'll see you afterwards, right?"

"You know you won't. You know I'll have to be with Todd."

"Alright. Fine. You but you know, eventually I'll get sick of having to share you."

"No you won't. Not as long as the sex is good."

She kissed his full on the lips, running her hands over his crotch, teasing.

"Damn you, Monique. You know me too well."

Monique smiled and left her office quickly, rushing to her room and changing. Just before she left, the small bouquet of red geraniums on her nightstand caught her eye. She smiled and picked them up, reading the note in scribbled handwriting: _Monique, sorry I missed you. I love you. Love Todd._ She put the bouquet in a small vase and left her room, clicking the lock closed behind her. She knew that Jeffrey would never have left her flowers. But at the same time, Jeffrey was everything Todd wasn't.


	15. Ch 15 An Unidentifiable Weight

A/N: Sorry about the long wait and short chapter! But it's November (National Novel Writing Month) and I was busy hammering out 50,000 words by, well, today. But the minute the last period was hammered out, I made sure to come right back to you guys and the perilous adventures of our favorite prep-school boys. Sorry about the short chapter, as well, but it'll take me a while to get back in to the swing of things as far as fanfic writing goes. But never fear! It'll all be okay!

Knox opened his eyes slowly, the bright light hurting his eyes. He glanced around, feeling confused.

_This isn't the cave_, he thought. _Where am I?_

The blinking, beeping machine worked their technological rhythm in to Knox's head, and he saw their flashing lights against his closed eyes. He tried to sit up, but his chest hurt and the pain forced him to lie back down. He glanced around the room and saw the night nurse out the window. He fought the weight on his chest and sat up, grabbing he sides of his bed for leverage. And he achieved his goal- he was able to grab the attention of the young blonde and as she came charging in to his room, chiding him for trying to get up.

"You just lay back down, young man. You've gone through too much tonight to be getting up so quickly. And don't try to argue- they put a tube in your throat anyway, so you won't be able to speak."

Knox nodded and gestured for a piece of paper and the nurse nodded, bringing him a small pad and pen. In scribbled handwriting, Knox fashioned the question he couldn't get out of his mind.

"Where…is…Charlie…?" The nurse read aloud as Knox scratched out his attempt at communication. "Charlie…hmm. Charlie…oh, I know who you're talking about! Brown hair, cute dimples, came in at about the same time you did. He's down the hall." Knox nodded and began writing again, pressing the kind blonde for more information. "Is…he…okay? Yeah. He's going to be fine. He gave us quite a scare, though. Almost lost him. In fact, you both gave us all quite a scare. What were the two of you thinking?" Knox shrugged as best he could and lay the pen to the paper again, his small reserve energy beginning to drain. "What…happened? You don't know?! Well, then, I guess someone better tell you. Your friend Charlie came charging in to your school about two hours ago, cradling you in his arms and then passed out, right there on the floor. By the time they got the two of you in here, you were both half dead. You're lungs were frozen and the frostbite was setting in. But you're here now, and your friend is fine."

Knox nodded and laid his head to the pillow, feeling all energy he had drain out of him immediately. But a slow smile crept across his face. Charlie was fine. HE was fine. Everything was going to be just fine.

Two rooms down a rather confused brunette woke up and sat up immediately, ignoring the pain shooting through the base of his spine and the pressure on his chest. He looked around him, gesturing wildly. He knew where he was, but he didn't like it. The tube placed in his throat pushed against his vocal chords and brought tears to his eyes. But he didn't care. All he wanted to do was find out what happened to Knox. While he had been lying there in a half-comatose state, all he had been on his mind were visions of the small, fragile brunette curled in a corner of the cold, damp cave, barely breathing. And it scared him.

A small blonde nurse came charging in to his room, grabbing a seringe off one on the nurse trys and plunging it in to his IV.

"There there, buddy. You must be Charlie. You know, the boy down the hall woke up a few minutes ago looking for you. I told him that you were going to be okay. And you will be. And so will he. But what we need you to do is to calm down and get some rest. You know, after almost dying of hypothermia and cold shock, it's amazing that you're still so full of energy."

After that he words became muddled. Charlie closed his eyes and lay his head back to the pillow. Knox was okay. He was going to be fine. And soon they would be back at Wellton and then, one day, who knows. Maybe married and living in a small cottage in the country. Or in a high-rise penthouse in New York. Charlie didn't know. But it lolled him back to sleep- fantasies of the life that one day he would share with Knox. _Of course_, a little voice in the back of his head said, _no one can know about you. You or Knox. _

Thirty miles away, in a small dorm room that suddenly felt emptier than ever had before, Todd sat on the edge of his bed and an things over in his head. He had almost lost another set of friends. They had almost been taken from him. And then he would have been all alone. Except, of course, for Monique. But even with Monique, Todd couldn't handle loosing another set of friends.

It was amazing how close Todd and Knox and Charlie had become after Neil's death, even though they hadn't spent all that much time together. But they were close, and Todd was glad for it. He didn't know what he would have done if he had lost both of them in the same night. _Better hope that they come back okay. If not, all you have is Monique. And if she leaves you…well, you're done for_, a small, nagging voice in the back of his mind contemplated.


	16. Ch 16 Strict Morality Code

Charlie studied the palms of his hands, red raw from constantly rubbing them together. He glanced sideways and caught a glimpse of Knox out of the corner of his eye. He smiled and drew his attention back to his hands, refusing to make eye contact with Dean Bolander, who paced back and forth in front of the boys.

Knox kept his head high, unlike Charlie, and kept his eyes focused on the Dean. He watched as the Dean would walk back and forth, turning on his heel, his breath raspy and quick. He looked as though he had something important to address but wasn't sure how to go about it.

"Charles, Knox, all I need to know is what happened that night. Both of the injuries the two of you incurred could bring about some rather severe consequences to the school so all I need to know is exactly what happened to the two of you."

Both boys looked down at that moment. Thoughts of telling the Dean everything ran through Knox's head, while Charlie racked his brain, trying to find a way to lie his way out of this situation.  
"We uh-"

"I um-"Both boys began at the same time, laughing nervously.

"You go ahead, Knox."

"No Charlie. That's okay. You can go."

"Thanks. I was just going to say that I don't remember what happened. I was out taking a walk and I found Knox in the cave and I brought him back. I don't remember much other than that."

"Thank you, Mr. Dalton. And you, Mr. Overstreet? Why were you out and about on the grounds?"

"I was…I was taking a walk. I needed a study break and decided to go to the old Indian cave to relax and get some peace and quiet. The last thing I remember was deciding to take a nap before I went back to the dorm room."

"Thank you, Mr. Overstreet. That will do." Both boys stood and turned toward the door, anxious to get out of the stifling office. "But before the two of you go, I do have one more thing to ask you." The boys sat back down, easing themselves in to the uncomfortable wooden chairs, waiting anxiously for the next bought of news.

"As the two of you both know, here at Wellton we have a very strict moral code that easily defines the relationships here at Wellton, both between teacher and student as well as between students. Now, please keep in mind that I am not accusing either of you of breaking this code, but we have had some rather disturbing reports from your fellow students that the two of you may be in clear violation of this code. If there is anything that the two of you would like to tell me, please do it now. It will only be worse for the two of you if an investigation is launched."

Knox leaned forward in his seat, opening his mouth, but Charlie beat him to it.

"There's nothing going on, Dean Bolander. I assure you. I'm not sure what the other students are talking about, but Knox and I have always been within the 'strict moral code', as you call it."

Knox leaned back, hanging his head and slumping his shoulders. He shook his head almost imperceptibly.

"Is that right, Mr. Overstreet?"

Knox nodded his head, letting a small sigh escape his lips. The Dean dismissed both boys, and they exited swiftly. Both boys ran down the front steps of the administration building, heading straight for the dorm rooms. They stepped in to the dorm building as a blast of warm air assaulted them.

"We need to talk," Knox said his voice low. Charlie nodded, heading toward his room, Knox following at his feet. They entered Charlie's dorm room swiftly, taking extra special care to make sure no one saw them together. As Charlie kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed, Knox pulled out the desk chair and, turning it around, looked Charlie square in the face and repeated, "We need to talk," his voice sharp, his eyes filled with fire.


	17. Ch 17 To The End of The Earth

Knox stood up and then sat back down, running his hands through his hair. He looked all around the room, avoiding Charlie's insistent gaze, wising that he hadn't been as insistent about talking. "Charlie, what was that?"  
"What was what, Knox?"

"That. What happened in the dean's office? I mean, you just...ignored me completely."

Charlie looked at Knox, confused. "I didn't ignore you. I did what I had to do for both of us. If I hadn't, we'd both have been kicked out of here."

Knox nodded, his eyes brimming with tears. "But Charlie...according to you, there is no us."

Charlie looked at him, shocked. He couldn't believe what he was hearing! He had just saved Knox's ass, and here he was, being yelled at for it. He couldn't believe people some times. Suddenly, the anger flashed and he felt his cheeks flush. "Look Knox. I'm sorry if you feel hurt. But you should be so fucking grateful to me right now! I saved your ass! If I hadn't spoken up, you would have done something so fucking stupid- like telling the dean about us! Then where would we be? We'd both be our on our asses, and my father would finally have an excuse to disown me! You should be so fucking grateful! Stop being such a little bitch and just get over it!"

Charlie felt the words fly out of his mouth before he had the chance to clamp his mouth shut and stop any more from escaping. He watched the love of his life's face drop, tears finally spilling over the edges and a blush of pain creep in to his cheeks. The pain was fierce, and tore at Charlie's heart. He hated what he had done, the pain he had brought about. He hadn't meant to say those things- at least, not all of them. Some of them had just poured out of his mouth. But he was too deep in to it now. He watched as Knox rubbed the back of his neck, gathering his thoughts, and as Knox began to speak, he braced himself for the tirade he was sure to endure.

"Charlie, I'm sorry you feel like that- like I'm being ungrateful and a bitch. You were right not to tell the dean, because you're right, we'd both have been kicked out. But Charlie, what about later? What about when this comes up again? If, after we graduate, we're still together and you go up for some job, and you have to tell them we're not a couple because it would keep you from getting the job? What would you do, Charlie?"

"Damn it, Knox, I don't know I guess I'd-"

"Don't give me 'I guess', Charlie. For once, I just want you to answer a question flat out- not tricks, no bullshit. Just answer the question for me. What would you do?"

Charlie hung his head, as the answer flashed though his mind, He couldn't tell Knox what he would really do. But Knox saw the look on his face. He knew what Charlie was thinking, and he knew that Charlie would deny him to the ends of the earth, if it meant better for him. And Knox didn't know if he could deal with that. Without saying a word, Knox stood up and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him, tears on his face but determination to stay strong in his heart.

Charlie kept his head down as he listened to the small echoes of the door slam reverberate off his bedroom walls. He shook his head and pounded his fist on his desk, pounding each time a little louder, until his fist was red and his whole body ached. He stood up, throwing his chair across the room and throwing himself on his bed, sobbing dry sobs that only he could hear.


	18. Ch 18 How Do You Tell

Todd rolled over and looked out the window as the moonlight poured through, making a small checkerboard pattern on the comforter that covered his chest. He traced the lines gently, sighing to himself. He rolled back over and slipped his arms around Monique's waist, pulling her to him slightly. She sighed lightly, and a smile settled on her face. Todd stroked her hair, keeping his hands light. He ran her curls through his fingers gently, kissing the top of her head before settling down and dreaming himself off to sleep.

Monique pushed Jeffrey back against the wall and smiled at him. He looked back at her, a hunger in his eyes. She beckoned him to her with her index finger, her finger waggling temptingly in front of him. He walked to her slowly, with an arrogant swagger. He wrapped her in his arms and kissed the top of her head before making his way down to what he really wanted.

Todd held Monique's hand slyly, leaning in close as he appeared to be getting help with his homework. Not that they were fooling anyone. Everyone around them knew what was happening, knew what secret words were being whispered between the two, not that any of tem cared. They were envious, but they were also very happy for Todd – he was happier than they had seen him in quite some time.

"Are you coming over tonight? Or should I come over to your place," Todd questioned intensely as his eyes filled with passion, and it took all the strength to keep himself from kissing her right there in the middle of English class.

"Not now, Todd. Not in class. Look, come by after your last class and we'll talk. If I have time." Todd nodded, picking up his paper and walking back to his desk, having not changed a thing. He sat down, sliding down in to his seat and staring out the window, his paper lying clean on his desk. He ran what Monique had said through his mind. She hadn't said anything unusual, but it was the way she said it that bothered him. Like he was beginning to annoy her. Like she really didn't want to be with him anymore. And for some reason it scared him. She had gotten more and more distant lately, and the more Todd thought about it, the longer he realized it had been going on.

Todd recalled constantly the first few weeks of his relationship with Monique- neither of them could keep their hands or their eyes off of each other. They were with each other constantly, so much that suspicion had begun to rise. They talked about each other to all of their friends, and it had the makings of a typical high school love- passionate and hungry. But things had changed. Monique didn't spend as much time with Todd anymore, though she always had an excuse for being away. She always had papers to grade, books to order, a student to tutor, so Todd tried not to push anything, not wanting to get in the way of her job. But then the excuses started coming more and more often, as though it was all Monique could do to think of them. And then, when they were together, things had lost all of their fire. Monique didn't purr anymore, and didn't offer any response to Todd's romantic gestures. Things had simply lost their luster, and Todd didn't know what to do.

Todd knew that he loved Monique. And he was almost positive that she loved him too. This is why he didn't know what was going wrong. As far as he knew, she hadn't gotten bored, hadn't fallen out of love, things had just...gotten off track. And Todd didn't know how to bring them back on. But he knew that, for whatever reason, Monique didn't want to bring it up, and so he let it go. He kept asking her out, kept trying his hardest to make sure everything ran smoothly.

When the bell rang, he picked up his books and went back to his room, dropping off is English stuff and picking up his chemistry book. Just as he had shut his desk drawer, Knox walked in, looking upset, his face red and his eyes watery.  
"Knox...are you okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah, Todd, I'm fine. Absolutely fucking-dandy."

"Is it Charlie?"

Knox glared at Todd, flames in his eyes. "What the hell are you talking about, Todd?"

"Knox...I know, okay. I've always known. A lot of people have. And we don't care. Really, we don't." Knox nodded again, sitting down on his bed and loosening his tie. His hair flopped over in to his face. "Look, Knox, whatever it is can be worked out. I can see how you feel about Charlie by the way you look at him. And I know he feels the same, because he looks at you the same way. Whatever it is, you'll be fine. I know you will." Todd walked out the door, shutting it behind him. He was ten minutes late for chemistry.

"Monique, you've got to tell him soon. He's going to find out eventually, and if you don't tell him and he DOES find out, God knows what will happen."

Monique nodded and laid her head on Jeffery's chest, pulling a small piece of her hair behind her ear.

"I know Jeffrey. I have to tell him. But...how? I mean, how do you tell the man you love you're sleeping with his brother?"

"I suppose kind of like this," Todd's voice echoed off the walls of Monique's small room. Both Monique and Jeffrey sat up, Monique pulling the sheet tighter around her body and Jeffrey wriggled in to a pair of his pants. Todd just stood in the door, a small bouquet of daisies in his hand, his head down.

"Todd..."

Todd held up his hand, silencing whatever explanation Monique had been ready to deliver. He just looked at Monique, his eyes wide and full of questions.

"Todd...I'm just so sorry."

Todd nodded, a small, bitter smile creeping across his face. "So am I," he whispered to himself. "So am I." And with that, Todd placed the daisies on the small table next to the door and turned on his heel, slamming it behind him. Monique jumped to her feet, throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweater.

"Monique, where are you going?"

"I have to go find him, Jeffrey. I have to at least try and explain."

"There is no way to explain this, Monique," Jeffery said, slipping his button on shirt over his body, leaving the front unbuttoned. Monique just looked at him, her eyes wide and full of pain.

"I know that, Jeffrey. But I have to try. For Todd...I have to try."


	19. Ch 19 BloodStained Thank You's

Monique turned the corner in to the cave, sighing when she the dim outline of Todd's body. She had been looking every where for him. She had tried his room, Knox's room, Charlie's room, the cafeteria, and the library before making up her mind that the only place left for her to go was to the cave. And there he was. She walked in, the leaved crunched underfoot, brown and dying. She walked farther in to the cave, and Todd still didn't turn around, but she expected that. She knew him, knew how hurt he was. So she took a deep breath and opened her mouth to explain everything.

"Todd, I'm so sorry. I never meant for you to find out like that. I know there's nothing I can say to make things any better. I know what I did has hurt you more than anything, and I'm so sorry for that. But know that I still love you. What has happened with me and Jeffrey- it wasn't planned, it wasn't hoped for; it wasn't what I meant to happen. It just...did. He came up one weekend, asked me for where you were, we got to talking and the rest...well, you know. Things happen. And I know that this apology won't make what I did okay. And I know it won't take away your pain. Nothing can do that."

"That's where you're wrong, Monique," Todd's voice was whisper thin, lost of all emotion. It was at that very moment that Todd turned around and faced Monique, his eyes rimmed in red, tears streaming down his face and the blood poured from his wrists, trickling down his arms, forming a small brown pool in his lap. Monique gasped in shock, reaching out, trying to stop the bleeding. But it was too late, and they both knew it. "What you did killed me inside. My own...my own," Todd's voice grew weaker as his face grew whiter and whiter with each second that passed. He began to cough and shiver, and his grasp on the small letter in his hand became so weak that it tumbled to the ground. Monique bent down to pick it up, and when she sat back up, Todd's eyes were closed. She knew what had happened.

Monique placed her head on Todd's shoulders, taking one of his blood stained hands in hers. It felt the same. It wasn't cold yet, and it still felt as rough as ever. Monique almost dared to smile, her mind drifting back to times when she had wanted more than anything to have this hand in hers. But she had brought all of this on herself, and, more tragically, on Todd, and as that thought crossed her mind, an extreme sense of guilt filled her heart. She knew that this was her responsibility. She knew that she could hurt him. She knew that she would hurt him if she had done what she did. And she had done it anyway. She turned the blood stained letter over in her hands, a sob racking her body when she saw her name on the front fold. No envelope, no lined paper. The note was written on the back of some flyer for a chemistry club, and it was written with a dull pencil, the writing already beginning to fade. She unfolded the paper and began to read, her own tears mixing with the blood and tears that were already on the page.

_Monique-_

_I won't ask how, or why, or when. I have a feeling that I don't want to know. All I know is that, as much as I hate you right now – and believe me when I say that it quite a lot – I sill love you with all of my heart, at least what is left of it. Monique, we'd talked so many time, about so many things. You were the only person who knew how I couldn't sleep, how I cried all the time, and about how much a truly missed Neil. You were the only person, and you remain the only person to this day. And you knew how I felt about my brother- about how much I've hated him for as long as I've been old enough to know what hate was. How my father ignored me because of Jeffrey, and how much he's always been what I never could be. And you always told me that you knew that I was the better brother, that I had what Jeffrey never could. And then...and then you did the one thing that could take my heart and smash it in to even more pieces than it was when Neil died. But you know what, that's okay now, because at least now I have a reason to do what I always wanted to do. If nothing else, you gave me a reason, an excuse, and that means more to me than you could possibly imagine. You did me more good than you could have intended to. Because now I don't have to hurt anymore. I don't have to be here, on this earth, where everything is cold and bitter and hurtful. For a brief moment in my life, the moment I kissed you to the first time, I began to think that this thought was wrong, and that everything could be different. It's only now that I see how wrong I am. I was right the first time, and I know that now. And so I'm saying goodbye and going to be in a place where there isn't any of this. And I'm glad. I get to be with Neil, at last, and with your brother. I get to be with all the people I ever loved, minus you, of course. Monique, I know you feel guilty. And you are, but I want you to forget about that. That's not what matters. What matters is that now I don't have to suffer anymore, and everything is going to be okay because of you. I don't have to hurt, you don't have to make a decision, and Jeffery finally gets everything he's ever wanted- to be an only child. All I want you to do is say a little prayer for me and tell Knox and Charlie that I'm sorry for this, and that I know how much this is going to hurt them. But I love them all the same, Pitts and Meeks as well. Just tell them that. And know that I'm sorry. Sorry for hurting you by doing this, sorry for making you choose, sorry for ever deciding to come to Wellton Preparatory School for Boy's.  
Todd_

Monique bent over the letter, sobs shaking her body. She cried for hours and hours. She cried while the sun set, and then when it rose again. She cried until the sun began to set the next day, and only when she felt as though she herself wanted to die did she lift her body off of the cold, hard ground and make her way back to the school. Her first job was to tell the office what she had seen, and having to go through every last detail – first to the administration and then to the police – simply brought even more tears to her eyes. But for her the hardest part was telling the rest of the boys. She walked up the stairs slowly, the letter in her hands. Giving them the letter was the only way she could think of to tell them the news that would ruin their lives. She knocked on Charlie's door and heaved a sigh of relief to see all four boys in the same room, hunched over their textbooks, an air of tension in the room. They all looked up simultaneously as she entered the room, smiling, but their faces fell when they saw her tear stained cheeks and the letter in her hand. Knox began to shake his head, the worry in his heart after not seeing Todd for a full two days finally reaching his heart. Monique simply lay the letter down on the table and turned, walking out, shutting the door behind her. Just as she reached the top of the stairs, she heard a sob echo out of the room, more sobs soon accompanying the first. Monique simply sank down to the top of the stairs, still hanging on to the banister. Jeffery came along some time later, embracing Monique in his arms, as she cried in to his shoulder for the first and only love she had ever lost.


	20. Ch 20 If Only You Knew

Charlie stood over the cold granite stone, a small prayer on his lips. He bent down, tracing the numbers with his fingers, the numbers not far enough apart. Nineteen years. Only a boy. And still the boy that Charlie accredited with saving the relationship with the man that he was now married to. Charlie stood and pressed his hand to the top of the gravestone, hoisting himself up as memories flashed through his mind.

Crewing on the lake with Neil, the sun warm overhead as the wind ran its silky fingers through his hair, huge smiles on both of their faces. Both boys reaching unison, stroking together as the bands of sweat began to grow across their sweatshirts. Neil's laughter echoing across the lake, stirring up a flock of geese as their boat cut swiftly through the water.

Seeing Knox bent over the small fire in the cave, his hair hanging limply in front of his face, his eyes watering from too much steam and too many tears as they tried to start their last fire after Neil's death, the only fire he had tried to start before Todd took over.

Watching Todd's smile change from shy and unsure to confident and radiant as his relationship with Monique grew. Seeing him become so much more outspoken and loving and funny, becoming as bright as he was, if not brighter than he was, when Neil was alive.

Cradling Knox in his arms as both of them read the letter for the hundredth time, their eyes scanning the words again, as if desperate to change them, to change what happened. Stroking Knox's hair as he promised that he would never leave him again, no matter what it cost him. Hearing Knox whisper the same vow as their lips met over the letter which had broken both of their hearts yet again.

Walking home from the funeral, hand in hand with the man he loved, not caring who saw.

Graduation, hearing Knox's valedictorian speech, and giving thanks to whoever was out there for getting him safely through the last four years and blessing him with a man he loved. Getting the chance to say goodbye to Todd and Neil at the memorial held for them during graduation, and finally knowing that everyone's soul could be at peace.

Seeing Knox's eyes glow with happiness and Charlie rose from one knee and slipped a small gold ring over his finger, his lips meeting Knox's as their champagne stood beside them, waiting to be drunk in celebration.

Seeing how proud Knox was, and feeling his own sense of pride in his heart as the two walked away from the county courthouse, their marriage certificate signed, and knowing that they had the honor of being the only married couple in the state of Massachusetts, and only on a technicality. They had only been married because there was nothing in the law that said they couldn't be. They both knew that would change, though they had been promised that their certificate would be legal no matter what happened in the future.

Watching Knox's face light up with a light they hadn't see before as Knox took their newly adopted baby in to his arms, glancing down in to the radiant face of their bouncing baby boy. "N.T. Overstreet-Dalton," Knox whispered, deciding on a name.

"N.T?"

"Neil Todd."

He nodded, knowing that Neil and Todd would both have been so proud of them.

Watching N.T walk away, a backpack over his shoulders, the crest of the new Wellton Co-Ed Preparatory School emblazoned on his right lapel. Knowing that his son was bound for more memories than he would know what to do with, just as Charlie had.

Seeing N.T. come home raving about his new English teacher senior year, Mrs. Monique Anderson, who was the prettiest, smartest English teacher he ever had. And feeling his ears perk and his heart soar when N.T. began to talk about the Dead Poet's Society, a club he and his friends had started when his teacher mentioned it in class one day. "It's so much fun, Dad. If only you knew. I mean, I bet you and Pop never had something like this when you were at Wellton's."

"If only you know, N.T. If only you knew."


	21. Authors Thanks

Thank you all who took the time to review my story! You all did more than I could ever tell you! You were all a big help and I don't know where this story would be without you! A special thanks to: ilovefredgeorgeandsugar (who reviewed every chapter, pretty much, and did SO much to help out that I can't help but send her a special thank you!) as well as all my other reviewers. I send a special thanks to you all, and I hope you take the time to read my other stories as well! Signing off for the last time on Just Too Late, I am your dearest,  
RTW


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